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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 14, No. 03 February 26th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 35,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
**Hey Folks! Well, not a lot happening this week. Mugshots is still mysteriously down so I have to get onto that and get the site back up and running. Once that is done, the Mugshots screensaver will be available for free download - it's looking great! There are no special free offers from CyberRebate because none of this week's freebies looed any good - I like to bring you only things I think you'd like!
As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK!
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll get nailed by a U.S. nuclear submarine.
+=- Music Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
+=- Dot Com Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Ten Telltale Signs That Your DOT COM is On The Skids...
1) Company CEO has moved from the corner office to the ledge outside the corner office. 2) Manager informs you that the drinks in the company fridge haven't been free. Hands you a $4,800 Snapple bill. 3) Company president asks if anyone has a problem giving out a little astrological advice over the phone while they work. 4) The head of R&D is spending more and more time in park across street with a metal detector he refers to as his "search engine." 5) There's now a 10-year-old Indonesian boy on either side of you assembling Nike running shoes. 6) Management now using company prospectus exclusively as rolling paper. 7) Next time you see the company's founder, he is wearing a paper hat and telling you which one is the Diet Coke. 8) Human Resources Manager informs you that (though it wasn't spelled out in black and white) giving conventioneers body massages was indeed implied in your job description, and that it could also involve a little "converging," if you know what he means. 9) Arrive at work and the find computers have all been replaced with Etch-a-Sketches. 10) Your boss concedes that he might be out of his teens before he's able to retire.
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+=- Beer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Due to increasing products liability litigation alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers:
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w**ker.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember).
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.
+=- Kids Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T- shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman. This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name. "Superman," he answered politely and without pause. The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please." Again, Ray answered, "Superman." Realising the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records." Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy:
"Clark Kent."
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+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers,
"Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children. She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation, that she might never be a mother. She's a good-looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out, purely altruistically. She shot me a death ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.
"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you."
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+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman replied,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
+=- More Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I'll hike north and spend the day looking around; you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?" The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp." "Wow!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a big kiss for goodbye, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
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