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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 14, No. 02 February 19th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 32,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
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As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK!
** TOP TWENTY WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED:
20) The cucumber has left the salad. 19) I can see the gun of Navarone. 18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17) You've got Windows in your laptop. 16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell. 13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6) Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
+=- Political Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** From a Democrat to a Republican friend.
The election is over, the results are now known. The will of the court has clearly been shown.
Let's forget all our quarrels and show by our deeds, we will give Mr. Bush all the help that he needs.
Let's all get together and let bitterness pass. I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.
+=- Valentines Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Things not to say on your Valentine's date...
1. Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra? 2. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. 3. No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin. 4. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. 5. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell. 6. I used to come here all the time with my ex. 7. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it. 8. I really feel that I've grown up in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. 9. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest. 10. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask. 11. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is just wrong…a cat and a dog? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/catdog.html I think her clock IS WRONG! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/clock.html I have DIARRHEA! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/diarrhea.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Darwin Awards: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** You know we like to bring you the best of the Darwin Awards every now and again, so here they are. Apparently 1999 contenders...
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...We proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:...
=> 3rd runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubel and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
=> 2nd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
=> 1st Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries.
=> Now 1999's winners: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, (who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
+=- Golf Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A foursome of golfers watch a lone player play up short of the green they are on. As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out. He almost runs to the tee where the foursome is. He looks at the bewildered players and says:
"I say chaps could I play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident".
+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason. Why, just the other day she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlour. I asked, "Are you going in for an estimate, or are you going to get the work done?"
+=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** This is VERY BAD...
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together. Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell. Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help." Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my go od friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot." St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?" This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. Larry found out that in Hell Sam owned a disco, and they spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?" Larry looked around and said "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings." St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?"
Larry gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."
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** Bad things don't necessarily happen to bad people....
I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
-From Anon (no surprise)
+=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As she sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide her with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2am. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and she doesn't show up. Finally, at 5am Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" Demands the fairygodmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, that was a big mistake. "You've got 2 choices, Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
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