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VALENTINES DAY IS LESS THAN 48 HOURS AWAY!
IF you haven't ordered your Valentine gift yet, there is STILL TIME! Order anything from Florist.com in the NEXT 24 HOURS and it will be delivered by Wednesday! Offers: Dozen Red Roses: $45 Delectable Orchids:$38.99 Valentines Bear Bouquet:$49.99
Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 14, No. 01 February 12th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 31,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
**Hey Folks! Well, the Mugshots.net screensaver isn't quite ready yet, but I've had lots of great feedback about the site. Seems most people want to see mug shots of the more dangerous nutter type criminals. I'm going to get to work on it, but if you want to see a certain celeb on the site, please email me at mugshots@jokeemail.com with your suggestions. And please, tell all your co-workers and friends about Mugshots.net! Still, the big news of the week is obviously that it is Valentines Day on WEDNESDAY. I've written it in caps because I know some guys aren't going to understand (hell, I don't) unless I write it BIG. So you've got two days to get that special gift.... and if you haven't got it yet, I suggest a dozen red roses - you can't go wrong. Florist.com has a dozen for $45 and if you order in the NEXT 24 HOURS, they will arrive on Valentines. To take advantage of this offer, go there now! Red Roses But if you fancy something a bit different to Red Roses, Florist.com has a bundle of other good stuff: Valentines
Finally, here are my two top 100% free offers from Cyber Rebate this week. Both for the kids really - a remote controlled skateboarder, and a remote controlled pet dog!
** Former President Bill Clinton and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton have notified the White House they intend to return $28,000 in furnishings they removed from the White House when moving out in January.
Upon arrival, the returned items have turned out to include $3,700 in sofas, $3,300 in chairs, a $1,000 office chair, and $20,000 worth of W's removed from computer keyboards.
+=- Golf Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The Worst Golf Foursome Ever:
1 Monica Lewinsky 2 OJ Simpson 3 Ted Kennedy 4 Bill Clinton
Why You Ask?
1 Monica Is A Hooker 2 OJ Is A Slicer 3 Ted Kennedy Can't Drive Over The Water, And 4 Bill Clinton Can't Remember Which Hole He Played Last!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Men: Cover your eyes! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/ballbust.html Is that a “Blow-Fish?” http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/blowfish.html Butt-Wipe-Er! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/buttwiper.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Old Age Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
+=- Bad Day Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Just in case you think you've had a bad day, consider how is could have been much, much worse....
=> CURL UP AND DIE I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
=> LADY GOLFER I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
=> NUTS ABOUT YOU My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
=> NA-NA NA-NA NA-NAH! While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia
=> SURPRISE! It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!" My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again. Tim Cahill, Poughkeepsie, New York
=> PRICELESS One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "TAMPAX" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
-From Robert
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+=- Little Johnny Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** One day at lunch little Johnny asked one of the kids at school a question. "If you woke up in the middle of the forest, covered in KY Jelly, naked in a sleeping bag, and your ass was killing you, would you tell anybody?" "No, I'd be embarrassed." said his friend
Little Johnny asked "Wanna go camping?"
+=- Computer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Video games considered harmful?
"It is ridiculous claiming that video games influence children. For instance, if Pac-man affected kids born in the eighties, we should by now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music."
Oh.... they do..... s**t...
+=- Sexist Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** There was a gentleman living in a small village who unfortunately had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother. Well there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who recently had given birth who was willing to help him out-- for a price.
The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a new born baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suck on the woman's breast. Well weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.
One day, the woman realized that the man's sucking was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said: "Is there anything else you'd like?"
The man paused in his sucking for a moment and looked up at her. "Yeah," he said finally, "to be honest, a cookie with this milk would be great"
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+=- Sex Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** John pays a visit to a gorgeous young prostitute. After two hours of exhausting great sex he says: 'Now you won't see me for a while'. The prostitute regrets to see a good customer leave and asks: 'Are you too busy next week to pay me a visit?'. 'No sweety, that's not what I mean. Please turn around...'
+=- Sick Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Q: How do you confuse an archaeologist? A: Give him a tampon and ask him what period it is from.
-From Richard Dajavs
** Employee: "Hi Boss, I'm afraid I won't be able to come into work today. I'm sick." Boss: "Just how sick are you?" Employee"Well, I'm in bed with my sister...."
-From Unny
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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** There's this cowboy who arrive in a little town, enters the saloon and screams: "I want a woman, I wanna shag!" "Welcome" , says the owner, " We have Rosy the Red who shags like three witches for only $30." "She's wonderful", says the cowboy ,"but I don't have so much" "No problem, for $20 Blondie the Blond sucks you out of your underwear!" "She's pretty, but I don't have so much." "No problem, for $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand 'til morning!" "She's nice, but I don't' have..." "How much do you have?" "Er...a quarter!" "All right: room 22, upstairs." The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young woman lying with her legs wide open; he jumps on her and starts going at it. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and asks the owner: "I...I think I've got a problem." "What about?" "Well, you know the young lady in room 22...I was having fun on her, and suddenly she turned her face and threw up some white stuff....."
"Oh, shit! John" screams the owner to his butler... "Go change the corpse in room 22: it's full again!!"
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