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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 13, No. 08 January 22nd, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 29,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
**Hey all! Sorry for the delay in getting the issue out to you this week. I've been really busy with a few juicy deals to increase readership, and with the Police mug shots site which WILL be ready sometime this week ;-) As usual, I've scoured Cyber Rebate to bring you the best two 100% free offers I could find - both are Boy's Toys! A fantastic Nerf foam dart gun, and a pocket note recorder that will record everything you say. Perfect FREE gifts for any blokes you know!
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One more thing.... don't forget to check out our new site - Mugshots.net. See all your favorite celebrities mug shots! Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK!
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+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** There's the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident. When he came out from under the anaesthetic, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously. "Son," he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. "The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle." "Jesus," gasped the patient. "What's the good news?"
"The fellow in the next bed over will give you a good price for your boots."
+=- Redneck Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do. "What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma. The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
+=- Toilet Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Ten Ways to Annoy the person in the Next Toilet...
1.Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 2.Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!" 3.Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4.Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"? 5.Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!!" 6.Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it. 7.Say, "Damn, this water's cold!" 8.Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before." 9.Say, "Interesting, more floaters than sinkers." 10.Drop a marble and say, "Oh noooo, my glass eye!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For a big surprise see the banner at http://www.humorhwy.com CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies, Quick and easy to read, Preview regular or webtv format goto http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.asp To Join the Regulars mailto: ct-subscribe@humorhwy.com Join the Webtv'ers mailto: ctwebtv-subscribe@humorhwy.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.", said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realised I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
+=- Office Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** EMPLOYERS: Do you have problems keeping your employees awake throughout dull meetings? Well, here's the solution! BullShit Bingo!
BULLSHIT BINGO ============= How to play: Simply tick off 5 phrases in one meeting and shout out BINGO!
It's that easy!
WALK THE TALK TAKE THAT OFFLINE STRATEGIC FIT AT THE END OF THE DAY GAP ANALYSIS BEST PRACTICE THE BOTTOM LINE CORE COMPETENCY LESSONS LEARNED TOUCH BASE REVISIT GAME PLAN BANDWITH HARDBALL LEVERAGE OUT OF THE LOOP GO THE EXTRA MILE BENCHMARK THE BIG PICTURE KEY RESULT AREA VALUE-ADDED MOVERS AND SHAKERS BALL PARK PROACTIVE, NOT REACTIVE WIN-WIN SITUATION THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX FAST TRACK RESULT-DRIVEN EMPLOYEE EMPOWERMENT NO BLAME STRETCH THE ENVELOPE KNOWLEDGE BASE RESULTS-DRIVEN TOTAL QUALITY SLIPPERY SLIDE SLIPPERY SLOPE TICKS IN BOXES MINDSET KNOCK-ON EFFECT PUT THIS ONE TO BED CLIENT-FOCUSED SHOULDER TO THE WHEEL QUALITY-DRIVEN MOVE THE GOAL POSTS WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER
Testimonials from other players: ======================= "I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I yelled Bingo!" "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." "Meetings will never be the same for me after my first outright win." "The atmosphere was tense at the last process workshop, as 32 of us listened intently for the elusive Number Five." "The facilitator was gobsmacked as we all screamed 'Bingo!' for the third time in two hours." "I feel that the game has enhanced the overall quality of meetings per se on a quid pro quo basis." "People are now even listening to the mumblers, thanks to Bullshit Bingo."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ T H E E U P H O R I A T A P E Do The Euphoria Tape alone the first time, and then with a lover. It's a phenomenon you'll feel within the first 3 minutes of use -- what you'll feel the rest of the time is unbelievable http://www.lifesines.com/ef/aec.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Joe and Moe were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak. While standing at the urinal Joe confessed, "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his." Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."
"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of them."
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A woman is driving down a road. A man is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The woman immediately leans out her window and yells "BASTARD!!" They each continue on their way, and as the woman rounds the next curve she crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
If only women would listen.
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+=- Beer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** PLEASE READ THIS, IT'S IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS
Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends.
Girlfriends, take heed.
There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere!
It goes by the street name "Beer"
All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
Please! Forward this to everyone you know...
+=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering. One day his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry. After waiting a few minutes she asked, "Did you notice, sir, that I scratched something that you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he replied, "So go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings! She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her. By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?" The fireman says, "No!" The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."
