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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 13, No. 07 January 15th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 29,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
**Hi all. In a bit of a rush this week as I have loads of work to do with the deadline on Wednesday. I've found a free CD stereo system on Cyber Rebate, and the attached Special Edition will fill you in on the details - hope you like it! Remember, it's 100% free with free shipping! As usual, I've scoured Cyber Rebate to bring you the best two 100% free offers I could find - one is the mentioned CD stereo, and the other is the ultra useful folding booklight - perfect for keeping for your bedtime reading!
As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK!
Nice Marbles!
http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/marbles.html ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com =====
+=- Computer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM:
1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________
4. Problem severity:
A. Minor B. Minor C. Minor D. Trivial
5. Nature of the problem:
A. ___Locked Up B. ___Frozen C. ___Hung D. ___Strange Smell
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __
7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself: __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred? __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in: ___________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__
24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __
+=- Religious Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his Doctor and his Lawyer, both were church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the Doctor and Lawyer were touched, flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves. And that's how I want to go too.
+=- Product Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** I just received a Gameboy Link Cable made by Wild Things, who seem to have a sense of humour, and who have given me permission to send you this info., as you'll see by the following taken from the instruction leaflet:
=> Do not use this product under the sea => Do not iron this unit => Do not let wild animals cat your Wild Things product => Your Wild Things product will not function if you drive a steam roller over it => This Wild Things unit is not a hat - do not wear it at state functions => A serious malfunction may occur if you hit this unit with a mallet => Do not use this product as a football => This unit is not a telecommunications device and will not accept incoming calls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Praise THE LORD! This is why http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/praise.html The BIONIC MAN busts a NUT! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/bionic.html Talk about Bathroom Humor! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/bathroomhumor.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Office Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)
SICKNESS: We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY: We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY: In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.
From, THE MANAGEMENT
+=- Childrens Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Political Correctness For Kids
=> Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's just "passage-restrictive." => Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." => You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." => You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." => You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." => It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." => The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." => You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit-delayed." => Your locker isn't overflowing with junk; it's just "closure-prohibitive." => Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience." => You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness." => You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For a big surprise see the banner at http://www.humorhwy.com CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies, Quick and easy to read, Preview regular or webtv format goto http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.asp To Join the Regulars mailto: ct-subscribe@humorhwy.com Join the Webtv'ers mailto: ctwebtv-subscribe@humorhwy.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
+=- Cooking Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** DEFINITIONS OF COOKING TERMS
tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.
porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid", "hORRId" and "sluDGE".
preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
microwave oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
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+=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A jockey on a race horse is coming to the final three fences and is leading the rest when all of a sudden a roast turkey is thrown from the crowd and hits him in the chest. Nearly half killed he manages to keep hold of the reins but is now in third place, he gets his whip out and give the poor horse a good whipping and manages to get to first place again. As he gallops along nearing the finish line a Yule log and bottle of brandy are launched at him this time knocking him off the horse and so losing the race.
When he gets up he storms to the steward and demands a re-run claiming that he was hampered at the end of the race.
** A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town he went into a nearby saloon. Approaching the bartender he asked, " Is there any action to be had in this town?" "What do you mean, action," asked the bartender. "I mean, are there any women," said the trapper. "No, but there's always old Joe," replied the bartender. "No thanks," said the trapper. "I don't go for that kind of stuff." The next spring the trapper came back into town. After being snowed in for 9 months he was in a slightly different frame of mind. He walked into the bar and asked, "Is there any action in town?" "There's still old Joe," replied the bartender. "If I were to go for old Joe," he asked, "Who would have to know about it?" "Well," said the bartender, "there's you, me, old Joe of course, and these three guys sitting at the other end of the bar." "What do we need those three guys for?" asked the trapper.
"To hold old Joe," replied the bartender. "He don't go for that kind of stuff, either."
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out. An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled own her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away til she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left. The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it. He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphillis of the big toe. "Syphillis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."
The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's pussy."
-From Robert
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A ten year old Apache Indian asks his father how they got their funny sounding names. "Well.." said his dad, "when your sister was born I looked out the tee-pee and saw a bear running across the plains, therefore named her running bear. When your brother was born it was nightfall and the sky was full of stars, as I looked out of the tee-pee I saw a shooting star, that's how he got the name shooting star."
He then turned to his son and said, "why do you ask two dogs shagging?"
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