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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 13, No. 06 January 8th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 29,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
**Hi Folks! Back to usual this week after all the holiday stuff. The site's going to change a bit in the next few days - but only a little. I've got rid of the large poll at http://www.jokeemail.com as it was just too big and bulky for the site. I've got a smaller poll that will hopefully fit into one of the side columns for future polls. We've also joined Link Exchange this week so there will be an extra banner on each page hopefully the page load times will not be affected too much. Finally, I've updated everything - all archive issues are now online, all the joke categories are much larger, AND I've added a new "George Bush Jr" joke category. I figure he's the president so I reckon there'll be loads of Jr humor in the future!
The poll has been finished for a few days so I here are the results of the poll : "If you won Millionaire on a Phone a Friend answer, what would you do?" Poll results (318 votes) 19% Take the money & run. 33% Give half to the friend. 30% Buy the friend a beer - that's all you'd expect if it was the other way round. 8% Tell the friend you actually knew the answer and you just thought it would be nice for them to be on the tele. 9% Hire a hitman to "do them". Far cheaper than the inevitable litigation that would follow if you gave them sweet F.A.
So it seems you're quite an honest lot! Watch out for a new poll in the next few days!
As usual, I've scoured Cyber Rebate to bring you the best two 100% free offers I could find - one is a 10 volume paperback encyclopedia (ideal for term papers and school projects) and the other is a pack of batteries - always useful!
>> FREE 10 Volume 21st Webster's Family Encyclopedia Click Here
As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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YOU ARE UGLY!
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+=- Topical Jokes: Microsoft ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan:
"MS: It's not a software company"
exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft, which doesn't relish the association of ideas but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.
Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task. The other is a disease.
+=- Clinton Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** When Bill Clinton completed 5 years of his Presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so instructed Hillary, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and Clinton was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called Hillary and ordered her to investigate the matter. Hillary checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Clinton. She said: "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamps. The problem is that people are spitting on the wrong side."
+=- Redneck Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** You know you're a Redneck if...
=> You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. => You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. => Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. => Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. => You burn your yard rather than mow it. => You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. => The Salvation Army declines your mattress. => Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. => You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. => You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. => You come back from the dump with more than you took. => You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. => Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. => Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. => You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. => You've bathed with flea and tick soap. => You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. => Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. => You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. => You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. => You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. => You have a rag for a gas cap. => You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic. => Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. => You had romantic thoughts when you heard sheep bleat. => Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. => You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. => Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. => Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off. => Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. => You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. => Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. => A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement. => You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
-From Robert
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SICK World Records! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/sick.html WOMEN CAN’T GOLF! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/ladygolf.html Ever had a date this bad? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/baddate.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap." The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap." The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?" The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!" He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
-From Robert
+=- Christmas Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** An announcement from Santa. . .
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RCcola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.. " when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) pissing on the Tooth Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It."
Sincerely Yours, Santa Clause (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man is talking to his best friend about married life. "You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt." His friend says, "Yeah, I knowwhat you mean." A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend. "While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt." The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend. "So did anything happen?" "I have some bad news for you," says the friend. "The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light." "Then what happened?" says the man. "I don't know. It was too dark to see."
"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."
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In a sensational development BBC news presenter Jeremy Paxman has admitted that his involvement in the 'return' of the Enigma Coding Machine stolen from Bletchley Park was deeper than had been acknowledged.
Investigative journalists had questioned the original story by asking how it was possible for the BBC's sophisticated anti-terrorist procedures to allow a heavy, bulky package to be passed through the security-conscious post-opening procedures without suspicion and then allowed to lie in the Newsnight Offices until Paxman returned from leave.
A BBC spokesman admitted that, "in the ordinary course of events, a package of this nature would have put security staff on alert and further ultrasound examination would have shown the presence of a large metallic object inside elaborate packaging. I have to agree that it is surprising this did not happen."
Paxman himself initially refused to comment, but when pressed issued the following statement from his Newsnight Office:
** I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her to a McDonald's.
To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I wasn't so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we were both in line. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?
Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting and all though !
And we did make eye contact several times. Well, not eye contact exactly. She sort of caught me staring at her, got that frightened lil' bird look in her eyes, and got up and ran out of the place.
I would have caught up with her too, had she not flagged down that Police car. I fail to see how all this constitutes "stalking" though. I mean, come on, give me a break here.
But anyway, wow! What a night. What a night. If all goes well here, I should be making my next post on my further adventures in 90-120 days; the delay will be up to the Judge, I guess.
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Saying Good-Bye
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Frankie was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
-From Robert
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** This bloke is sitting in a pub drowning his sorrows, when this gorgeous woman sits down next to him, orders a double, and sighs deeply. He turns to her and asks her, "So what's wrong in your life?" She hardly glances at him and says, "My husband left me today." He says, "What a coincidence. My wife left me today." They keep drinking for a few minutes and then he asks her, "So why did he leave you?" She looks at him and says, "He said he couldn't stand living with me any more." "What a coincidence. My wife said she couldn't stand living with me any more." They drink some more and then he asks her, "So what couldn't he stand about living with you?" She smiles at him a little and says, "Well, I like really kinky sex and he didn't, so he left." The bloke shakes his head in disbelief and says, "This is incredible! *I* like really kinky sex and that's why my wife left me." They carry on drinking, but keep looking at each other, and he finally says, "Well, seeing as we're both alone now, and seeing as we both have similar interests..." "Yes," she says quickly. "My house is just around the corner." So they go over to her house. Once inside, she says, "I'm just going to slip into something a little more comfortable. I'll be right back." She goes into her bedroom and gets undressed, and then puts on a studded leather collar, black lace crotchless knickers, a leather bra, fishnet stockings and stilletto heels. She comes out of the bedroom to find the bloke going out of the front door. "Why are you leaving?" she asks him. "You just got here. I thought we were going to have some kinky sex."
He looks at her and shrugs, "I shagged your dog and had a crap in your handbag. I'm done."
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