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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 13, No. 05 January 1st, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 29,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
Hi everyone! I hope you've had a fantastic New Year, and if you're still nursing your hangover AND you're back at work, these are some jokes that are the perfect cure! 2001 is gonna be a big year for JokeEmail.com - more subscribers, more jokes, more entertainment! The celebrity mugshots site is *almost* complete and will be launched in the next few days - you'll be the first to hear about it. And then there's our new online games and cartoons sites that are still being made. It's gonna be a BIG year!
Hope you have a fantastic 2001 !
As usual, I've scoured Cyber Rebate to bring you the best two 100% free offers I could find - one is a great looking Kangol Mini Satchel (ideal school bag), and the other is a mini water dispenser, perfect for the office, kitchen, anywhere!
And if these freebies don't float your boat, I just checked the site and there are over 2663 products that are 100% FREE after rebate (with free shipping as well). Surely there's something there youd like? Click on Here and go to the "100% off" category at the top right of the page!
Happy 2001!
As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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+=- New Years' Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** New Year's Party Tips for the Moderation Challenged:
10) Once your pantyhose have a big "Easy Access" hole in the upper thigh, just take 'em off already. You're not fooling anyone there, classy-chick.
9) The president of your company does NOT want to know how YOU think things are REALLY going. Cause you know what? If anyone really cared, YOU would be president. So just move along, smarty-pants.
8) Eat any and all cheese products you are offered throughout the evening. It works. I don't know why, but it does. I choose not to look that particular gift horse in the mouth. Just stick to the cheese and be grateful.
7) Arrive at the party assuming you are going to be put in a cab and sent home. Translation: know your address, or at least have it written down somewhere. And for god's sake, hang on to some cab fare.
6) Nothing says class like a woman double fisting Bud from the bottle. (Use a glass, just this once.)
5) If your party is open bar all evening long, you've hit BONANZA. Pace yourself, or you'll be bummed in the morning when you realize you were sent home in time to watch Jeopardy. If your party is open bar only for an hour, offer to help "organize" so you can get there early and hoard alcohol for yourself and your friends. If your party is cash bar only, consider quitting now. It's only December 31st - you can get a new job at a company that will at least pick up the friggin' bar tab for an hour. Jeez - it's New Years. Tight-asses!
4) Stay a drink or two behind anyone you really don't like. Think of the hours and hours of fun and excitement you will have talking about what a drunken fool they were at the party the next day! (Oh...sure, I had 10 beers, but you'd think SHE'D at least slow down after number 11... duh?!?)
3) If you've fallen down more than once, and you still want to keep your job, thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you. Bye bye. Check yourself out before someone has to check you in to the emergency room. (Note: Stumbling is perfectly legal.)
2) Your body, especially your hands, do not belong anywhere within 6 inches of your boss's body. Not for any reason, period. If you find your hands in need of something to do, get another drink for crying out loud. Or wait till you get home, Spanky.
1) Just because you can't see others while you're hooking up with your intern on the dance floor doesn't mean others can't see YOU.
+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** These three blokes are sitting in a room smoking pot. After a few joints they run out of cannabis, so one of the blokes stands up and says, "Look, we've got loads of tobacco - I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs." So he goes into the kitchen, grabs some cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices, grinds them up and then rolls them into a spliff. Then he goes back into the other room and hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. After ten minutes he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to hospital. When they get there, he's wheeled away into Intensive Care. A few minutes later the doctor returns and asks, "So what was he doing then? Cannabis?" "Well, sort of," replies one of the blokes. "But we ran out of gear, so I made a homemade spliff." "Oh," says the doctor. "What did you put in it?" "Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices." The doctor sighs. "Well, that explains it." "Why, what's wrong with him?" asks the bloke.
"He's in a korma."
+=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that, because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven, St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 a year as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year ... "
"Oh," the angel interrupts, "what subject did you teach?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Does this site annoy you? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/annoy.html Chain Letters SUCK! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/chain.html I am going to RESIGN from this… http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/resign.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Foreign Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man insisted he only needed half a head. The boy agreed to ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said: "Hey, boss, there's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." Suddenly, the boy turns to find the man standing right behind him. He quickly added: "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy and said: "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out trouble. You think on your feet and we like that around here." The manager continued: "Where are you from son?" The boy replied: "Canada sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. "They're all just whores and hockey players up there!" said the boy. "My wife is from Canada!" exclaimed the manager.
"Oh, really!" said the boy. "Which team did she play for?"
+=- More General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Famous Last Words...
=> "Don't be silly. If this was really the ship's "Self-Destruct Button", do you think they'd leave it lying around where anyone could press it?"
=> "You're all a bunch of wimps!! I'll prove to you myself that an entire orc stronghold is no match for your average barbarian."
=> "Y'know, since our druid's been so obnoxious, it would probably serve him right if we set his precious forest on fire."
=> "A clever bluff, Agent N42, but not clever enough. You see, right away I recognized your `pistol' as a cleverly disguised cigarette lighter."
=> "A creature with two BABOON heads on a scaly REPTILIAN body? With TENTACLES for arms? Hunh. Must be some stupid wizard's magical construct. Let's kill it."
=> "Yes, it's true I humiliated the DM in front of the debating team Wednesday, but he's much too broad-minded to take it out on my character."
+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father, "Dad, what's that thing hanging down?" "That's the elephant's trunk," replies his father. "No, I mean at the other end." "Oh, that's the elephant's penis." "That's funny," mused the little boy, "Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing."
"Well," said the smiling father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman."
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+=- Australian Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** John Howard, the chirpy Australian Prime Minister, flies to England for a meeting with the Queen. Over a cup of tea, Howard brings up his grand new plans for his country. "Your Majesty, mate, can we turn Australia into a kingdom, in order to increase its force in the world market?" The Queen shakes her head and replies, "One needs a king for a kingdom, Mr Howard and unfortunately you are most certainly not a king." Not to be dissuaded, Johnny asks, "Would it be possible just to transform Australia into an empire then?" "No, you chubby-faced chap," snorts the Queen, "for an empire you need an emperor, and you are most certainly not an emperor." Howard thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into a principality. The Queen replies, "For a principality, you need a prince, and you Mr Howard are definitely not a prince."
Pausing for a sip of her tea, Her Majesty then adds: "To be quite honest, having met both you and several other Australians, I think Australia is still best suited as a COUNTRY."
+=- Bloke Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams. "What the hell is that?" he asks. "War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes" Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!! "What the hell is that?" "War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes" The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!! "War wound??"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck"
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two tall trees were growing in the woods. A small tree began to grow between them. One tree said to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other said he could not tell. Just then a woodpecker landed on the sapling. The tall tree said, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker took a taste of the small tree. He replied, "Neither. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Three pregnant women are all sitting around knitting baby clothes.
The first one says, "I hope I have a baby boy because I've knitted this lovely blue jumper."
The second woman then says, "I hope I have a baby girl because I've knitted this lovely pink jumper."
Then the third woman says, "I hope I have a spastic because I've f**ked up these arms."
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