Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 13, No. 04 December 25th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 29,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
**Hi Folks! I hope you've had a fantastic Christmas and are looking forward to more of the same for new year next Sunday night! If you're back to work today (Wednesday) I really hope today's jokes will start you laughing and make the weekend seem that bit closer - more partying and relaxing in prospect!
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Happy Holidays ;-)
As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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+=- Boxing Day Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** 'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, While upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox. Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's. To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall, Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"
** BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT Bush to be smitten later today In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court's decision that handed the White House to George Bush. "I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit." "I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes." Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal. "God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida." "Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean." God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot." "Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
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** A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger's horror, eating a fish and a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. He was soon brought to trial for his crime... The Judge asked the man "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offence?" "Yes I do." replied the man, "but if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." "You may proceed." "I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing some fish. I thought 'if I startled the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish.' Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." The judge says he will take a recess to analyse the defendant's testimony. 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges." The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"
"Well your honour, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it's a bit more tender than a California Condor but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl."
+=- Childrens Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for christmas dinner and was surprised to find his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table. "The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. And he took a bite while looking at the other cupcakes. "Timmy these are so good." As he finished one and took another he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get them iced so evenly?" And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer.
His nephew replied, "I licked them."
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+=- Foreign Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Q: What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? A: Bisexual...
Q. What's the worst thing about Australia? A. It's above sea level.
Q. What's an Australian vibrator? A. A bottle full of flies.
-From Nicholas Robinson
+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00." "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... " "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... " "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000 ... " "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! But before we hang up, something else ... " "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... " "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... " "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present, "Okay... who's phone is this?"
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+=- Religious Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began. They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better." Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckled, "Jesus saves"
+=- Redneck Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed. "Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. "Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame." Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory." A short while later, the woman orders two more shots. Again, she downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame." Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory." Finally, the bartender leans over and asks, "Ma'am, I was just wondering... what's this about shame and glory?" "Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework in the nude. And, when I bent over to pick up the vacuum, my Great Dane mounted me from behind." "That must be the shame," the bartender smirked. "No, that was the glory," replied the woman. "The shame was when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Gary and John are in a sauna. Gary says to John, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" John says "Sure." "OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees" John turns around and gets down on all fours. "There," says Gary, "...does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ass?" "Yes!" Replies John
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