Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 13, No. 03 December 18th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 29,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi everyone! Wow... what a week - the election all sorted out at last - and just ONE WEEK until Christmas! Now that the election has gone Bush's way, I don't imagine I'll be running dry of jokes for the next four years (judging by my daily email box - keep sending them - webmaster@jokeemail.com) Anyway, I had an early Xmas present as I bought the domain name MugShots.net - the reason? It's just another part of my masterplan of sites - a site with all the celeb mugshots on it. It's really coming together nicely and may (possibly) be ready in a week. Of course, you'll be the first to know about it. The JokeEmail.com poll is still going strong - I'll end it next week but until then I really need more votes. Once again two options are deadlocked on the same number of votes so make the difference at http://www.jokeemail.com ! The results so far are: Question: "If you won Millionaire thanks to a Phone a Friend answer, what would you do?" 20% Take the money & run. 31% Give half to the friend. 31% Buy the friend a beer - that's all you'd expect if it was the other way round. 9% Tell the friend you actually knew the answer and you just thought it would be nice for them to be on the tele. 8% Hire a hitman to "do them". Far cheaper than the inevitable litigation that would follow if you gave them sweet F.A.
Anyway, this week I have found you two more fantastic 100% free offers from CyberRebate (including free shipping) Here are this week's..... These are perfect gift ideas for the Men in your life!
** BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Beware of SHARK! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/sharkattack.html What a RETARD! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/statuedog.html TIGER WOODS’ HAS SOLD OUT! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/tigersmile.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Short Election Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A guide for the perplexed on legal maneuvering: If it benefits my candidate, it's the rule of law. If it benefits your candidate, it's a technicality.
** AlGoreithm (n: al-gor-ith-m): Any method of calculation performed repeatedly until a prior desired result is produced.
** I've already mailed all my Christmas cards this year. Just send them to the Seminole County election office, they'll address them and mail them for you. -From Garrison Keillor
+=- More Christmas Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A New York City Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas da whole house was mellow not a creature was stirrin' I had a gun unda my pillow
When up on da roof I hoid somet'in pound I sprung to da window to scream "KEEP IT DOWN!"
When what to my wanderin' eyes should appear but dat hairy elf, Vinnie and eight friggin' reindeer
Wit a bad hackin' cough and da stench o' boiped beer I knowed in a moment Yo, da Kringle dude wuz here!
Wit a slap to dere snouts and a yank on dere manes he cursed and he shouted and called dem by name
Yo Tony, Yo Frankie Yo Sally, Yo Vito Ay Joey, Ay Paulie Ay Pepe', Ay Guido
As I drew out my gun and hid by da bed down came his friggin' boot on da top o' my head
His eyes wuz all bloodshot his B.O. was scary his breath was like sewage he had a mole dat wuz hairy
He spit in my eye and he twisted my head he soon let me know I should consider myself dead
Den pointin' a fat finga right unda my nose he let out some gas and up da chimney he rose
He sprang to his sleigh obscenities a-screamin' and away dey all flew before he troo dem a beatin'
But I hoid him exclaim or better yet - grump Merry Christmas to all and bite me, ya chump!
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+=- More Christmas Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah." The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
-From Robert
+=- War Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
1. You are not superman. 2. Recoilless rifles aren't. 3. Don't look conspicuous. It draws fire. 4. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you. 5. When in doubt, empty the magazine. 6. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are. 7. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. 8. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. 9. All five second grenade fuses are three seconds. 10. Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo. 11. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack. 12. The easy way is always mined. 13. The important things are very simple. 14. The simple things are very hard. 15. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy, and CNN 16. Incoming fire has right-of-way. 17. Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy more people to shoot at. 18. Friendly fire isn't. 19. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing. 20. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
+=- Health Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** So you've probably seen the headline by now regarding the study linking smoking and colon cancer.
Somehow I can't help but thinking they're blowing smoke up my ass.
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+=- Redneck Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A Redneck Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house; Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse. My .357 sat right on my lap Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.
The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts, When out from the yard came a godawful noise O could it be him with a shitload of toys?
I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"
"Hands in the air and kick over that sack, And then real slowly move 20 feet back." He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf; I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.
I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw. I heard him take off - in a second he split, Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.
Back in my chair I let out such a yelp That the wife and the kids came to offer their help, Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.
I big can of crawdads for when I go fishin' A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission, A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife, A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.
A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice, A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice! An inflatable dollie for when the old hag Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.
When out of the bag I had pulled every bit I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit." Here was my chance to try out my new strap When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.
I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew, I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew, With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer, I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!"
+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size. He has an extremely small penis and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size. One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her. The man unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but I don't smoke."
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons, when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians. They start to spur their horse forward, when they realised that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realise they were surrounded. The Indians had spread out and they were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says, "Tonto, my friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together, but now I think we are doomed."
"We?" replied Tonto. "What's all this ' we ' stuff, Paleface?"
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