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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 13, No. 02 December 11th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 29,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi everyone! Good to see the election merry-go-round is still in full swing (though nearing the end) - maybe it'll be sorted by Christmas which is just 14 DAYS AWAY! Argh, better start buying some presents! Our new website poll is still coming along nicely, with the battle really between two distinctive answers to the question: "If you won Millionaire thanks to a Phone a Friend answer, what would you do?" Be sure to vote at http://www.jokeemail.com and see the ongoing results. With Christmas approaching, I'll have a lot more time to work on the site and other sites - so I should have 1Cartoons.com ready by the new year. I'm sure you'll like the new site with over 50 cartoons updated every day! I'll also try to get our new online games site online! Watch this space for further info.... Every week, I try to bring you two fantastic 100% free offers from CyberRebate (where else can you get all your Xmas shopping done for nothing including free shipping?!) Here are this week's..... These are perfect gift ideas for the Women in your life!
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** Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself". Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn. Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn. One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear). The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left for the barn. Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled. The Farmer said "Good heavens, what happened to you?" The woman replied "I give up on human nature... the first guy gave me forty dollars, the second guy gave me fifty dollars, but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks"
** Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress asks Gore what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says, "I would like Eggs Benedict." The waitress says, "Fine, and what will you have Governor Bush?" Perusing the menu, George says, "Well, I think I'd like to have a quickie." Taken aback, the waitress responds, "Why Gov. Bush, that's awful, and you're not even President yet!" Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear, "George, that's pronounced 'quiche.'" Bush responds - "Hey, you order what you want and I'll order what I want."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Need a POOP BREAK? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/poopbreak.html Santa Makes Yellow Ice! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/santaice.html SANTA IS DEAD! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/santaplane.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Christmas Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** To the Tune of: Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Santa Claus is Wearing a Gown
You better come out, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm telling you why...
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
He's making the switch, He's leaving his wife, He's gonna come out, to start a new life...
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
A secret he's been keeping, It's made him awful tense. He knows it will be better now, When he comes down off that fence.
So you better come out, You better not cry, You better not pout, I'm telling you why...
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
+=- George Bush Jr Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Looking for savings this holiday season? When you're out shopping, take advantage of the George W. Bush discount. You will need unmitigated gall and several accomplices. Here's how it works.
Load up with all sorts of items that you want and take them to the checkout. When the clerk gets to an item that will not scan on the first attempt say, petulantly, "My brother says that all these items are mine." The clerk will insist on rescanning the item. Look bored and incredulous that anybody could be so incompetent as the clerk tries unsuccessfully to scan the item. Turn to the people in line behind you and say, "Can you believe this is taking so long?" At this point, the clerk will attempt to enter the bar code information by hand. Insist loudly that the item is yours and that since it didn't scan after two attempts, it must be free. Get so worked up that your face starts to break out. The clerk will still attempt to enter the bar code. At this point, bring forward your first accomplice who will introduce herself as the Secretary of Bar Code Scanning and say to the clerk, "I'll give you two seconds to enter that bar code. Ready... Set... Times up!" The clerk will probably call for the manager, and the two of them will insist on manually entering the bar code into the cash register. Have dozens of your accomplices run to the media talking about possible mistakes and mischief that could arise from manually entering the bar code. Raise questions such as, "How can I make sure the price is being entered fairly when the clerk works for the owner?" Say, "These items have been scanned and rescanned. They just want to keep entering bar codes until they get the total they want." At this point, the owner might try to take you to court to get some more time to manually enter the bar code. He's really playing right into your hands. While he's getting a time extension from the court, call the office of Congressman Tom DELAY and ask him to send down a couple of henchmen to lead a crowd of angry demonstrators into the store to shout and bang on the doors. Simultaneously, file an appeal with the Supreme Court asking the highest court in the land to bring a halt to all manual entry of bar codes. In the midst of this confusion, have your first accomplice declare that all the items are legally yours and that if the owner doesn't like it, he can take you to court. The owner will now have to drive to the state capital to file a lawsuit in which he will ask the judge to manually enter the bar code of the item that would not scan. Invite some celebrities over for a photo op and announce that you'll share the items with them once the items are found to be rightfully yours. Meanwhile in court, the owner will ask the judge to transfer the item from the checkout line to the courtroom. Have your lawyer tell the judge that that is simply not enough, that the judge needs to move the entire inventory from the store lock, stock and barrel to his courtroom. When the owner contemplates that this will tie up all his merchandise till well after the holidays, he will surely give up. But just to be safe, have the legislature pass a law giving the entire store to you.
Some people will tell you that you won't enjoy the goodies you've thus obtained because they are not really yours.
Morons!
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+=- Santa Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good Boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a freakin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! Santa _____________
Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! Love, Joey
Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your freakin house. Then you'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with! Santa _____________
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa _____________
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Francis...FRANCIS! Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays? How 'bout I get you a Barbie and Ken doll FRANCIS! ...hahahahahahahahaha. Tell me Francis, do you get punched in the face alot in school? hehehehehohoho Santa _____________
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, You must be a major DORK. Don't you read the freakin' tags you little loser? All toys get made in China! I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. And NO you little dweeb - reindeers can't fly. But they sure taste good with A-1 sauce! Santa _____________
Dear Santa, I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please PLEASE! Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that stuff don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. Are you by any chance related to Francis? Santa _____________
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky
Mark, Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass beat at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! Santa
+=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders? A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know?" whenever you ask them a question.
Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
Q: What do you call a blonde with ½ a brain? A: Gifted.
Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black? A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What happened to the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? A: She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.
Q: What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes? A: None, as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them either.
Q: What is dumber than the Blonde jokes above? A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these silly things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ T h e V o o d o o D o n k e y gives you a carefully hand picked selection of the best humor I can dig up, hilarious true life stories, and a healthy spooning of my Drivel! Send a mailto:VoodooDonkey-Subscribe@Topica.com and visit the site for Movies & Pictures: http://www.VoodooDonkey.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1)
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A classic....
** Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style." "Doggy-style? Did she go for it?" "I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."
+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man goes into a bar one evening and is surprised to see a ferret with no teeth, on the bar. He asks the barman what the ferret is for. "That, sir," says the barman,"is a gentleman's pleasure." So saying he puts the ferret down the front of the man's trousers. The ferret scurries around for a minute and then gives the man the best oral sex he's ever had. Afterward, he asks the bartender if he can buy the ferret for $500. "No can do," he says," it cost me a lot, what with the dental work and everything." The man then offers $1000 and the bartender accepts. That night the man takes the ferret home and goes into the kitchen where his battle-axe wife is eating chocolates. He puts the ferret on the table and says:" Look what I bought for $1000. Its a gentleman's pleasure." "What do you expect me to do with it?" asks the witch.
"Teach it to cook and then piss off!" says the man.
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+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The Night Before Christmas - Rated R
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A f**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Little Jenny comes home from playing at Dean's house. "Hey Mum, guess what! Dean's got a penis like a peanut!" Mum is understandably confused for a second, then questions, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
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