Have you subscribed to Joke Email? The funniest weekly jokes >>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*** STOP SNORING WITH SNORELESS ***
*SNORELESS* gives up to eight hours RELIEF from the maddening noise associated with snoring. *SNORELESS* comes with a Money Back GUARANTEE and was featured on the Regis and Kathy Lee show.
Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 13, No. 01 December 4th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 28,000!!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi Folks! Well, it looks like the presidency might finally be on it's way to a conclusion - about time too. Just think though, had we stuck them in a boxing ring together and let them sort it out, we could've saved millions of $$$ of taxpayers's money. Our website poll has continued this week (mainly because I didn't have the time to change it) and the final results consolidated George Bush Jnr's lead to 4%. So, after the success of the first poll, we've started another one!
"If you won Millionaire thanks to a Phone a Friend answer, what would you do?"
Get on over to http://www.jokeemail.com see the options and submit your answer! While you're there remember to send a FREE Christmas greeting card to your friends! I'm sure some of you are busy waiting for your free mini fridge to arrive from CyberRebate.com! I have found two new 100% free offers from them for you to look at this week (where else can you get all your Xmas shopping done for nothing?!) Both are ideal Christmas presents!
On a sadder note, I have received a few emails from subscribers voicing concerns about CyberRebate. I'd advise everyone interested in using CyberRebate to read the opinions of actual buyers at: http://www.epinions.com/webs-Web_Services-All-Cyberrebate.com and there is a great review of how to use CyberRebate successfully at: http://www.epinions.com/./webs-review-71F-44FDEE1-39D1F157-prod1 Basically, you should fill in the rebate forms very carefully making sure that you cross all the "t"s and dot all the ..... lower case "j"s
Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
===== ** WIN ** $10,000,000 with FREE LOTTO! plus thousands of other cash prizes FREE every night. Since June 1, 1999 over 900,000 of our players have won CARS AND CASH playing FreeLotto. Join now for a chance at TEN million plus thousands of other cash prizes http://www.jokeemail.com/freelotto.htm ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK!
** One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship,"he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of good bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Jesus! ...Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
** Ever since the US election, there's been a lot of loose talk about discovering the "will of the people." What all the pundits and politicians fail to realize is that the system worked perfectly and the people got EXACTLY what they wanted....
Another precious week of not having to call EITHER of those losers "President."
** What's the difference between Florida and Winner? Florida has an F but there will never be an F in winner....
** Proposed change to golf rules Instead of yelling "Fore!" you yell "Gore!". Then you take whatever score you want.
** G. W. Bush said that in Texas they guarded the border so closely they never had to worry about any guy named Manual Recount screwing up their election results.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill Clinton HAS FATHERED ANOTHER BABY…. http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/clintonsbaby.html Bush is Drunk… http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/drunkbush.html AL GORE IS GAY! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/gorelove.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Irish Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Five good leads," says Tommy.
+=- Florida Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** New Slogans for Florida:
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive. FLORIDA: We count more than you do. FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states. FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed. FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote. FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311? FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts. FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us. FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football. FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
And ... PALM BEACH COUNTY: So nice, we let you vote twice. PALM BEACH COUNTY: We put the "duh" in Florida.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more FREE Daily Jokes?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html
Want some weekly jokes too?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-)
+=- LA Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** City of LA High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:________________ Gang:________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he missed 6 out of 10 shots, and shoots 11 times at each drive-by, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload? 2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $220 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the coke if he doesn't cut it? 3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $63 per trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit? 4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 lb. of heroine to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. How many Chevys will he have to steel to make $600? 6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $1,000 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Rodney spray with 3 cans of paint? 8. Hector knocked up 4 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the gang has Hector knocked up?
+=- Bloke Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A guy walks into a pub and straight away notices a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks he decides to make small talk and offers her a drink to which she accepts. "What's your name?" then he asks her. "Carmen", she replied. "That's a nice name, did your mother or father name you that?" "Neither, I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen." "Why did you do that?" he asked. "Well", she explained "I like men and I like cars so that is how I got my name -what's your name?"
"Beerc**t" the man replied.
-From Trevor Sage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CyberTrash - Adult Humor from funny to totally hilarious Latest Internet humor and something positive at the bottom WebTV format- http://www.humorhwy.com/CT-webtv.html Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Join Now - mailto:laughing@qwest.net?subject=Jokes4Me ------- Preview first and you'll laugh as you join. ------- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** "I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counsellor. "Has she started to neglect you?" "Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache." "So what's the problem?" "Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'"
+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A young man went shopping. He bought a small can of corn, a small can of tuna, a small jar of mayo, a small lemon and a very small box of teabags. When he came to the counter the girl at the cashregister smiled at him and said; "Dearest, You must be single." "Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"
"No, because You´re so goddamn ugly..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BIG MAC JOKES now comes in two flavors, "R", and clean.
For "R", go to http://bigmacjokeattack.listbot.com, or send a blank email to bigmacjokeattack-subscribe@listbot.com For "clean", go to http://bigmaccleanjokeattac@listbot.com, or a blank email to bigmaccleanjokeattac-subscribe@listbot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** John died and arrived in Hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin with. The Devil took John to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. John said he did not think that was where he wanted to start. They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. John also declined this form of torture. The third room had a old man strapped to the wall naked, and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. John told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted. The Devil said, "Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!" John assured him this was the punishment he wanted. So the Devil walked over to the young blond woman and said ... ...
"You can go now, I've found your replacement."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man. Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly. One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried. The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"
"Shit," sighed Phillip, "there go my Sundays."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** WIN ** $10,000,000 with FREE LOTTO! plus thousands of other cash prizes FREE every night. Since June 1, 1999 over 900,000 of our players have won CARS AND CASH playing FreeLotto. Join now for a chance at TEN million plus thousands of other cash prizes http://www.jokeemail.com/freelotto.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) Copyright 2000 Tom Evans Refs: 75467, 75464
======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: *email_address_removed* Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, click here for rates: Rates ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com
