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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 13, No. 01 November 27th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 27,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Okay, it's what you've been waiting for an entire week .... the result of the first JokeEmail.com poll: "If the Presidency comes down to a bare knuckle streetfight, who'd win? Well, I can tell you the voting has really hotted up, and the results are just so close - so, the winner (by a hair's breadth) is George Bush Jnr! 32% of you thought he would win the fight, compared with 31% for Al Gore! Will this poll mirror the result of the actual presidential race? - we don't know, and perhaps we don't care anymore. The most important question has been answered and that is possibly all that matters! Watch out for new poll at http://www.jokeemail.com sometime this week!
The results in full: 279 votes 31% Al Gore 32% George Bush 23% Neither, both too pussy to throw punch 15% Neither, Gore too busy in court
So, that's that. One last thing to remember - if you hate your current Hotmail/Yahoo mail account, why not try Joke Email WebMail? It'll even send a short joke with each email you send - who else offer's that eh? Give it a test drive at: http://mail.jokeemail.com
Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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** These three boys have just got their grades from their female sex education teacher. One of them got a D+, the second one got a D- and the third got an E. "We should get her for this," says the first boy. "Yeah, let's grab her..." says the second.
"Yeah," interrupts the third, "And then let's kick her in the nuts."
+=- Clinton Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed. "No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish." "Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed." "Poof!"
And just like that... her ears were gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Before Work…After Work… http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/beforeafterwork.html Is Bush Bourbon-Free? NO!!! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/bourbonfree.html George W. is a DRUNK! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/bushdrink.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Irish Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no." "No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
-From Robert
+=- Music Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job. The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner. As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly. "Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?" "I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long."
Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title, Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing. "You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?" "Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler.' Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours." Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, ...... "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for al the world to see?"
"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I WROTE IT !"
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+=- Sport Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'" the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents." "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area." "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
** The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CyberTrash - Adult Humor from funny to totally hilarious Latest Internet humor and something positive at the bottom WebTV format- http://www.humorhwy.com/CT-webtv.html Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Join Now - mailto:laughing@qwest.net?subject=Jokes4Me ------- Preview first and you'll laugh as you join. ------- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1)
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
+=- Tasteless Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two guys in a bar,.................................... One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" " Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he ..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my f**king house."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Buffalos Chips A Day Worth Of Humor in one mailing". Jokes,Toons,Links, Sweepstakes and Original Content all in one ezine. Try us again, we are new and better. Adult,funny and FREE.To Subscribe send a blank email to: Buffalos-Adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com or visit us at Http://www.buffalosjokes.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1)
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys." Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y." Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy." "Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
+=- More Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to be defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel" "Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out "I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled. The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered back, "I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
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http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html AOL Users - Click here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) Copyright 2000 Tom Evans Refs: 75466, 75463
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