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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 12, No. 09 November 20th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 27,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Happy Thanksgiving to all our American readers! Hope you have a good one! Lots of other news this week to bring you up to speed on.... firstly, you can now send and receive fantastic greeting cards through JokeEmail.com. And I'm not talking about really crappy cards that look like they've been muddled together, oh no... our greeting cards are hosted by Regards.com, and they are FANTASTIC! Choose from loads of different cards, holidays, birthdays, everything! Try it out NOW and I'm sure you'll be using it lots in the future! It even has a feature where you can schedule to send a card months in advance! Try it out now and send someone a ThanksGiving Card! Goto http://www.jokeemail.com and click on the "Send" greeting card link! (half way down the page) Last week I told you about our website poll that is the question everyone is asking: "If the Presidency comes down to a bare knuckle streetfight, who'd win? Well, the poll is still ongoing, so you can still make the difference! It is as tight as the actual presidency - Gore took the lead, Bush came back strong, and now there is very little between them! Get in now and make your vote count! I'll publish the results next week... something to look forward to eh! Finally, please take time to check out our new sponsor at: http://www.asnoringremedy.com - If snoring is a problem for you, take a look at their solution!
Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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Following your failure to elect a President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:
1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary 3. Start referring to "soccer" as football 4. Your language will now be referred to as "American". Actual English will be taught as a second language until mastered by a percentage of the populace. 5. Driving on the left is now compulsory -recall all cars to effect the change immediately. 6. Sexual frequency will be reduced by 75% to bring it inline with the rest of the commonwealth. 7. All Starbucks must serve only tea. 8. Declare war on Quebec
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation and... cheerio!
+=- Short Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Palm Beach Bumper Sticker: "Don't blame me, I TRIED to vote for Gore"
** When I was a boy I was told anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
** George W. Bush is now under treatment for two problems, electile dysfunction and premature congratulation
** They are now calling Palm Beach County "Palm Beach of the Immaculate Conception County," because there it is possible to become pregnant without having penetration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who is your favorite cartoon character? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/cartoon.html Real Answering Machine Messages: http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/messages.html The SECRET on how to make WOMEN HAPPY! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/happy.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- More Election Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Dear State Lottery Commission:
I know I chose the winning numbers for Wednesday's Lotto drawing.
But upon further review, it appears the incorrect numbers appeared on my ticket. How could this happen? The root cause of this dilemma is the form I filled out to get my ticket. The form is very confusing. I thought I was choosing one set of numbers, (the winning numbers), when in reality I chose a completely different set of numbers. The numbers and boxes on the form are so close together, it's impossible to determine which box to fill in for which number.
I checked with at least 3,000 other people, and they all had the exact same problem. I'm sure if you review the form I filled out, it will become very clear that I'm entitled to the money from Wednesday's drawing.
Please reply with the date, time, and location, for me to collect the winnings due to me.
Thank you for your assistance in this matter.
Al Gore
+=- Al Gore Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** "Losing My Election," by Steve Barr (to the tune of R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion")
US is bigger It's bigger than you And I am V.P. The lengths that I will go to The concession Tuesday night Oh no I've said too much I took it back
That's me in the paper That's me in the spotlight Losing my election Trying to catch up to you And I don't know if I can do it Oh no I've said too much I haven't won enough I thought that I heard Dick Cheney I thought that I heard you won I think I thought I ought to sigh
Every voter Of every FL county I'm Choosing litigation Trying to get ahead of you Like a hurt lost and blinded pol Oh no they've punched two holes It burns me up
Consider this The turn of the century Consider this The count that brought me To my knees failed What if all my vote tallies Come tumbling down Now I've said too much I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you won I think I thought I ought to sigh
Bet this is Nader's dream We needed all the Greens
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+=- Sport Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** NEW YORK (AP) --The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series.
The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union.
"We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets batting coach. "We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit."
One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches.
Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.
"The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit," said the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely."
Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game.
"While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series," the commissioner said.
Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games. "It's clear that we were slightly on-base more often than the Yankees," said a Mets spokesman. "The World Series crown is rightly ours."
The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes "we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment."
+=- More Election Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The Difference Between a Bad *President* and a Bad *Precedent*
>> BAD *PRECEDENT: Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?" Al: "Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I'd do it all again."
>> BAD *PRESIDENT:
Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear - "I do solemonemoney swear..."
- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States - "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States..."
- and will to the best of my ability - "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly ..."
- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States - "... preservect defenestrate the United ... the Constitual ... the ... um ... of America."
- So help me God. - "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?"
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+=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Three guys went into business for themselves. Said the first, "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board." "I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary, and treasurer." "Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?" The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex n music." "That sounds mighty fine" said the third man, "but what does it mean?"
"It means what when I want your f**king advice, I'll whistle."
+=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, "...having eight inches of Snow in June?"
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+=- More Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".
The man takes another look through the scope, and says,
"You know what? I think I only need one bullet!"
-From Robert
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Three gays were discussing what they thought their favourite sport would be. The first guy sighs, "American Football, because of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants." The second guy sighs, "Wrestling, because of those skimpy little costumes." The third guy sighs, "Baseball, because I'd be pitching with the bases loaded." "And..." asked the other two. The third guy continues, "The batter would hit a ground ball right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, and screaming, 'Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' And, that's what I like -- the recognition."
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http://www.focalex.com/deals/jokeemail.html AOL Users - Click here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) Copyright 2000 Tom Evans Refs: 75462, 75465
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