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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 12, No. 07 November 6th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 25,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi Folks! Well, our traffic is really starting to go through the roof - another 1000 subscribers joined Joke Email last week! Thanks to everyone who keeps forwarding Joke Email on to their friends! For all our US readers - remember voting day on Tuesday (as if you could have forgotten!) Bush V Gore - head to head - please get out and vote. If you don't vote, you don't have a say, so get out there and make a difference! And if anyone is interested in advertising with Joke Email, we will soon be offering banner advertising from $3 CPM throughout the site. Email advertinfo@jokeemail.com for all the details.
Anyway, enough of my ramblings, enjoy the jokes and have a great week!
Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
+=- Sport Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** TV ratings for the World Series were low this year. It was reported that both rating and share were half of what they were the last time the Mets played. Why, you ask?
Who wants to watch New York playing with itself?
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+=- Topical Jokes: Microsoft ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The Wall Street Journal reports that there was a break in into Microsoft's internal network and the intruders were:
...believed to have stolen the blueprints to its most valuable software, including the latest versions of Windows and Office, people familiar with the situation said. [...] The motive behind the break-in isn't known, but industry experts speculated it could be the early phase of a "data hostage" case, in which hackers threaten to publicly disclose a corporation's intellectual property....
While it's a sure thing that Microsoft would pay to avoid having the world know how ugly their sourcecode really is, it's more likely some poor user out to kill off Mr. Paperclip, once and for all.
+=- Bar Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. "we're going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the local newspaper, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Damn things are everywhere."
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+=- Top 9 Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Top Nine Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:
9) No Thanks. Just Sniffing. 8) I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 7) Mom will love this. 6) Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable. 5) No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here. 4) Will you model this for me??? 3) The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! 2) Forty Five bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
1) Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!
"They started with a better idea about how to sell pet food. Armed with a war chest of just 58 million dollars, they gave up grad school and took on the competition. Just six months later they had revenues of zero and earnings of negative twenty million, so they took their company public.
"Two weeks later, .com crazy investors were paying over $120 per share. Today they trade for $2.
"Where can you find such risky companies? Of course. NASDAQ.COM. The stock market for your last $100."
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+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?" asked the other.
The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
** The truth is...
Q. Why do women have orgasms? A. It gives them one extra reason to moan.
** Q: Why does it take so long for a woman to have an orgasm? A: Who cares?
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers
=> DOCTORS Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
=> LAWYER Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
=>SALESMAN See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
=> HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC. Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
=> TEACHER The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.
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+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "He's happy now, ... but just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. Tracy said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." Cathy giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." Dawn quietly sipped her whiskey until Tracy asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" Dawn frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Cathy. "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm hungry! Is there anything to eat? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie's Country Cookin'. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@topica.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm) Copyright 2000 Tom Evans Refs: 65878, 65876
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