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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 12, No. 06 October 30th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 25,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
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+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money." "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please....tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
+=- Toy Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?"
"Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."
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** For those who don't have time to watch the (U.S.) presidential debate, I've prepared this transcript of what will be said:
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
Gore It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.
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+=- Dating Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
+=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** This psychiatrist is doing his rounds of his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the pychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?" The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"
The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goerring."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Buffalos Chips A Day Worth Of Humor in one mailing". Jokes,Toons,Links, Sweepstakes and Original Content all in one ezine. Try us again, we are new and better. Adult,funny and FREE.To Subscribe send a blank email to: Buffalos-Adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com or visit us at Http://www.buffalosjokes.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1)
+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** One evening after a few drinks at the local pub. Two buddies started discussing orgasms. John said "You know there are four types of orgasms?" Jim replied "Really? What are they?" "Well, There's the Positive, Negative, Religious, and the Fake. The positive goes 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!' The negative goes 'Oh no! Oh no!' The religious goes 'Oh God! Oh God!'
And the fake one goes 'Oh John! Oh John!'"
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+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favourite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his bestfriend's privates. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.
She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
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