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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 12, No. 05 October 23rd, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 24,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi Everyone! WOW, it has been some week! Traffic at JokeEmail.com is going through the roof, and we're only a week or so away from our 25,000th subscriber! Please keep telling your friends about the site, and we can keep rolling out the new features! The Halloween section has been updated this week and many more jokes added to it. If you haven't seen the new ones, check out http://www.jokeemail.com/halloween.htm There are a few jokes in there which I *really* like! Also, if you saw the advert at the top of the email, you'll realise that they are some fantastic email addresses still available at JokeEmail.com. Wouldn't you love Who_Let_The_Dogs_Out@JokeEmail.com? I mean, who wouldn't! Check out the list of the best of the week's addresses to see if any catch your eye. But the main story of the week has to be the World Series - no doubt. I'm no New Yorker (English born and bred), but I like the Mets.... and Saturday night's game was just unbelievable. I thought the Mets might just squeeze it.... almost...! The real choker was that I watched the game live over here in the UK and it didn't finish until 6 in the morning. I am very, very tired....
Anyway, I needed some jokes to get my mind off that, and I have some jokes for you lot. A great batch this week! Enjoy ;-)
Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
===== WERE HOT DOGS EVER MADE OF DOG?
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** An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned Volvo, Dad. You'll just have to live with it!"
+=- Beer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Beer Drinkers Guide:
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.
** A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?" "Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?" "I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills." "Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."
He interrupts in a very indignant tone, "CHICKENS?!"
+=- Clinton Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** One day Bill Clinton was jogging through the streets of D.C. with two of his Secret Service agents. He turned to one and stated "I can't wait to get back to the White House...I'm going to rip Hillary's panties off". The Secret Service Agent asked him "Why Bill? Does jogging make you hot, make you horny?
"No" said Clinton..."they are creeping up the cracks of my ass!"
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+=- Dating Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Father When Picking Up His Daughter For A Date:
10)"Now.. show me how you used to spank her." 9)"Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?" 8)"I just got my license today." 7)"Five bucks says she's a D-cup." 6)"You taught her to swallow, didn't you?" 5)"So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?" 4)"Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'" 3)"I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature." 2)"Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
And the number 1 thing NOT to say to a father when picking up his daughter.....
1)"I feel like we both have something in common, she calls ME daddy too!"
+=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Very Easy to Read - New WebTV format Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Join Now - mailto:laughing@uswest.net?subject=Jokes4Me Here is the best. Preview first and you'll laugh as you join. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1)
+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!
> Bill Clinton > 1600 Pennsylvania Ave > Washington DC > > William Jefferson Clinton > 1600 Pennsylvania Ave > Washington DC > > W. J. Clinton > 1600 Pennsylvania Ave > Washington DC > > William Clinton > 1600 Pennsylvania Ave > Washington DC > > W. Jefferson Clinton > 1600 Pennsylvania Ave > Washington DC > > William J. Clinton > 1600 Pennsylvania Ave > Washington DC > > Slick Willie Clinton > 1600 Pennsylvania Ave > Washington, DC > > Mr. Hillary Clinton > 1600 Pennsylvania Ave > Washington DC
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Battle of the sexes - The female perspective
I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1) In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.
2) I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
3) Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.
4) And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
5) After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
6) I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
7) In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
8) I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
9) After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".
10) I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course.
** Q. How can you tell if a man is happy? A. Who cares?
** Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
** Q. What are a woman's four favourite animals? A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.
** Q. Why do men buy electric cord lawn mowers? A. So they can find their way back to the house.
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+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her. "What's this for?" she asked. "It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny." A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage. "Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
- From Bob Berry
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two drunks, Chuck and Manny, wake up one morning. Manny says, "How the hell are we gonna get drunk today? All I've got is forty cents." Chuck says, "Gimme the money, I've got an idea." He goes into a deli, comes out with a hot dog and says, "Come on. Let's go to the bar."
When they get to the bar, Chuck pulls down Manny's zipper, sticks in the hot dog, and pulls the zipper up tight enough to hold it. Then he says, Follow me," and they walk into the bar. He orders two Rum & Coke, and they drink them down. When the bartender says, "Pay up," Chuck drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here, you homos!"
Fifteen bars, they do the same routine. They're bombed. Chuck says, "Listen, it was a great idea I had, we got bombed on forty cents, but we gotta stop. Every time we do that my knees hurt like hell !! I can't take it anymore."
Manny says, "YOU can't take it anymore? We lost the hot dog after the fourth bar."
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