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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 12, No. 03 - October 9th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 22,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi Folks! Apologies for the shorter than usual issue today, but we've still got a few connection problems that don't seem to want to fix! Enjoy the jokes, and hopefully next week we'll be back to the usual format!
Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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** This bloke is happily driving along in his car when he's pulled over by the police. A policeman approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?" "No" replies the policeman, "You were driving splendidly. The ugly fat bird in the passenger seat gave it away."
+=- Religious Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice." So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought. Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door. Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee. "Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"
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+=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice:
=> Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.
=> Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home.
=> Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water.
=> Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children.
=> Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. To hell with spaying and neutering.
=> Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.
=> Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours.
=> Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn through good behaviour. If they do not live up to this responsibility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.
=> Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. You probably should not be allowed to own one.
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+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
+=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** There was a fire one night at a convent and several retired nuns who lived on the fourth floor were trapped by the fire. They were praying for the Lord to show them a way out of the fire when one of the sisters screamed, "We need to take off our robes, tie them together and climb down to safety." Later as they were recounting the event to reporters, they were asked if they were afraid of the crude rope breaking. "Oh, no," they said. "You see, old habits are hard to break."
-From Stan Kegel
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+=- Dating Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** No success picking up women?.... Here Are Some Unsuccessful Pick-Up Lines You May Like To Try!
1. Hi, my friends call me Creepy. 2. You're ugly but you intrigue me. 3. You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno. 4. Is that a false nose? 5. I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that. 6. I'm drunk.
+=- Lawyer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** What's the definition of tragedy? A busload of lawyers going over a cliff with one seat empty.
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+=- Sexist Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
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+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A couple of homosexual men are accidentally rear-ended by a large truck at a stop sign one afternoon. Furious, the man in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, steps out of the car, then walks back to the truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door and the homosexual, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "We're gonna sue your ass!" The truck driver smirks, says, "Blow me, buddy!" The homosexual stands there for a moment thinking, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe this... he wants to settle out of court!"
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** There are three Labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office. A black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab. The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?" The brown lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes, but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed." The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?" And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection."
Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?" The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa." The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?" And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection."
Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her." The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?"
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