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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 12, No. 02 October 2nd, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 22,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi Folks! Well, I've been hearing from a lot of you how much you love the new design and features at the new site - keep the compliments coming! (We love to feel important!). On a slightly more serious note, we have severe problems with out phone lines at the moment, so please give us lots of time to reply to any questions etc you may have.
Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK!
** A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly Sir," says Jervaise the waiter, "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite! - He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?" "No" says the customer "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ....... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin! "It's no good", says Jervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed." So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and...... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him. The moral? . . . . Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.
-From Norman
+=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Barbie is a SLUT! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/slutbarbie.html This space IS FOR RENT! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/spaceforrent.html Are there ANY STABLE MEN HERE? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/stablemen.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."
+=- Bad Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, " Can I have a gin and ....................... ...........................................................................................................................................................................................................tonic please?"
The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?" Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them!"
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+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks' home one evening, Henry in his pyjamas and dressing gown. Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy's sticking out!" Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear. My willy is HANGING out!"
+=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool." "Well where is it?" inquired the chimp. "I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly. "Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.
"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"
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+=- Political Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.
Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd--shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.
"That man's persistence yonder," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."
"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself voting for an asshole who hasn't the brains to come in out of the rain."
~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm hungry! Is there anything to eat? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie's Country Cookin'. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@topica.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm)
+=- Teenage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible. "All right !" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer." Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now." "I should hope so !" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."
"Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team."
+=- Sexist Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Buffalos Chips A Day Worth Of Humor in one mailing". Jokes,Toons,Links, Sweepstakes and Original Content all in one ezine. Try us again, we are new and better. Adult,funny and FREE.To Subscribe send a blank email to: Buffalos-Adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com or visit us at Http://www.buffalosjokes.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Paddy is on holidays with his girlfriend in Las Vegas. After paying a fortune for tickets they go to a nightclub where Paddy has been assured they'll be able to mingle with the stars. Sure enough, the place is full of them and the conversation is very exciting. 'Hi ya, Madonna!' 'How are you, Clint?' Far from being impressed, Paddy's girlfriend is annoyed that Paddy doesn't know any of the stars and that nobody is interested in talking to them.
On a visit to the toilet Paddy finds himself standing beside Frank Sinatra. Paddy explains the problem, tells him he's been a fan ever since 'My way' and has all his records. Would Mr Sinatra please help him out? All he has to do is walk past Paddy's table and say, 'How ya doin' Paddy?' For once, Frank is in a good mood and agrees.
Twenty minutes later Frank walks up to the table where Paddy and his girlfriend are sitting and talking. 'Hey Paddy, shouts Frank.
Paddy looks up and says, 'Fuck off, Frank. Can't you see I'm talking to my girlfriend?'
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