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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 12, No. 01 September 25th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 22,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
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Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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** A group of archaeologists were exploring when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in highesteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman."
+=- Political Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Here's something everyone should probably know:
You may remember that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is an incident, of course, that many say has been covered up by the government. However, you may not know that on March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
Now, that clears up a lot of things.
-From Brian
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOD will take your money! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/godmoney.html You Need to Improve your Work! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/improvework.html This Guy KILLED Santa! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/killsanta.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'f***ing shovel'".
+=- TV Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** TV listings that appeared in the Marin Independent Journal:
9:30 p.m. "The Fly'' (1958). A scientist pays the ultimate price when he challenges the laws of nature and puts metal in a microwave. American Movie Classics.
7:20 p.m. "The Blob'' (1988). A giant pulsating blob grows larger and larger, consuming everything it touches. Then it gets off the couch. The Movie Channel.
10:40 p.m. "Pavarotti with Peter Unstinov.'' From his Italian summer home, Luciano Pavarotti talks about what makes him tick. We suspect it has something to do with donuts. Channel 9
8 p.m. "Star Wars'' (1977). A starry-eyed young man on a desolate planet is caught up in a series of adventures that end with him killing several thousand Death Star workers who were really just doing their jobs. USA Network.
5 p.m. "The Republican National Convention.'' All the colorful costumes, dazzling choreography and death-defying high-wire acts that make the Grand Old Party so darn Grand! Channel 9.
8:50 p.m. "The Road to Zanzibar'' (1941) Bing Crosby and Bob Hope enjoy a healthy masculine friendship on their way through Africa. American Movie Classics.
9 p.m. "Sleeping With The Enemy'' (1991). Julia Robert's real enemy is probably her agent. Did anybody see "Mary Reilly''? Channel 7.
11:45 p.m. "Blues Family Reunion.'' Dan Aykroyd reprises his Elwood Blues character with help from Jim Belushi and John Goodman. John Belushi will provide back-up rhythm by rolling over in his grave. The Disney Channel.
8 p.m. "Vampire in Brooklyn'' (1995). An evil entity rises from the dead. And that was just Eddie Murphy's career. HBO.
3 a.m. "Hellbound: Hellraiser II'' (1988). Pinhead retires to a Florida beach community and volunteers at a youth soccer camp. Channel 2.
-All from Rick Polito. He writes a very funny daily TV listing column, that you can see at: http://seattlep-i.nwsource.com/tv/ If you enjoy his column, tell *your* paper that you'd like to see it! I'd like this sort of humor in my TV guide!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more FREE Daily Jokes?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html
Want some weekly jokes too?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-)
+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
-From Susan
** A couple just moved into hotel. And the hotel clerk asks the man after helping him with his luggage. "Anything else?" "NO, thanks" "Maybe, your wife needs something ?"
"Oh, yeah. Thank you for your reminder. Do you sell postcards ?
+=- Office Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Would you like to have some fun in your box? Subscribe to Hilarity and the hottest and sexiest jokes will come in your mailbox FREE Why wait? You can get turned on today! Send a blank email to IWantAdultJokes@keepAhead.com Want more FREE ezines? Visit us at www.keepAhead.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1)
+=- More Office Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A Letter of Apology From The Chap Who Was Fired After The Staff Party.... (Author Unknown)
** When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologising to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defence, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologised to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my VERY damnedest to come to the picnic......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Quick and Easy to Read - WebTV friendly, Join Now - mailto:laughing@uswest.net?subject=Jokes4Me Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html This ones the best. Preview first and you'll laugh as you join. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1)
** Last Sunday was the final performance of 'CATS', Broadway's longest running musical. It racked up a record 7,485 performances.
Usually, when a musical ends its run, the production company assists the newly out-of-work actors and actresses in finding other jobs, filing for unemployment benefits, etc.
In this case, the actors were just stuffed into a gigantic burlap bag, weighed down with rocks, and thrown from a bridge into the East River.
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** This bloke is out shopping one day and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Impressed, he buys a pack, goes home and announces his purchase to his wife. "Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?" she asks. "There are three colours," he replies, "Gold, silver and bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold, of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really? Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Buffalos Chips A Day Worth Of Humor in one mailing". Jokes,Toons,Links, Sweepstakes and Original Content all in one ezine. Try us again, we are new and better. Adult,funny and FREE.To Subscribe send a blank email to: Buffalos-Adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com or visit us at Http://www.buffalosjokes.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1)
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** This woman has just begun a round of golf when she's stung by a bee. She decides she needs first aid so she heads towards the clubhouse. On the way she encounters the club professional, who asks her, "What's the matter?" "A bee stung me," she tells him. "Where did it sting you?" asks the pro. "Between the first and second holes," she replies.
"I TOLD you your stance was too wide."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.
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