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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 11, No. 010 September 18th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
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+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** This bloke is driving along when he spots a fortune-teller's tent by the side of the road. The fortune-teller is sitting outside smiling and laughing. The bloke just drives past, but after a couple of miles he spins his car around and speeds back towards the tent. He pulls up by the still laughing fortune-teller, jumps out of his car and suddenly begins hitting and slapping her. A passing police officer sees everything and comes over and wrestles the bloke to the ground. After handcuffing him, the policeman asks, "What did you do that for?"
After a moment, the bloke replies, "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."
+=- Foreign Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' So Murphy say's, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99." Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says, "Each trees dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, dat's 99" The boss is getting worried he's' going to have to hire Murphy, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100." Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!"
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?"
-From PB Evans!
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** What's the difference between paraffin and petrol? There's two ''F's" in paraffin, but no F in' petrol!
+=- College Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. "Sir, what is your name ?" ; asked the student "John" , "Sir I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime ?" "Watching bubbles in bath," Came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again. "Sir, what is your name ?" "Jeff !" , "Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime ?" "Watching bubbles in bath," was the answer. Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in bath". He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts agins - "What is your name?" "Bubbles !"
+=- TV Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** TV listings that appeared in the Marin Independent Journal:
7 p.m. "Old Yeller'' (1961). A boy and his dog experience a series of frontier adventures forming a bond that is both uplifting and enduring. Then he kills it. The Disney Channel.
8 p.m. "Scenes From A Mall'' (1990). Of course Woody Allen had to end up in a mall. that's where all the 14-year-old girls hang out. Channel 36.
8:30 p.m. "Batman'' (1989). A rich guy with a bat fetish skips the psychotherapy and puts the money into frightening and violent toys. Channel 4.
9 p.m. "Nash Bridges.'' Dominguez gets kicked out by his wife and has to move in with Nash. Meanwhile, Nash is tailing a trafficker in stolen "Odd Couple'' scripts. Channel 5.
8 p.m. "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey'' (1993). Two dogs and a cat, left behind by their owners, trek through rugged terrain to find the owners and wreak a bloody revenge. Channel 20.
9 p.m. "Chicago Hope.'' The much-anticipated medical marijuana episode. The folks at Doritos, Pop Tarts and Zig-Zag all bought big blocks of commercial time. Channel 5.
7 p.m. "Love Me Tender'' (1956). Elvis's first film finds him in the Civil War South where he grows increasingly upset upon learning that Percodan and donuts had yet to be invented. American Movie Classics.
8 p.m. "Santa Clause'' (1985). Dudley Moore plays an elf who attempts to escape a sweat shop existence in an isolated polar compound ruled over by a charismatic leader given to flamboyant dress. Channel 50.
5:30 p.m. "Chaplin'' (1992). Robert Downey Jr. is the famous actor who finds his career torn apart by his inability to control his dark cravings. He's also in this movie about a silent film star. Showtime.
8 p.m. "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer'' (1992). A high school cheerleader takes on a dark legion of soulless beings who suck the essence out of life. But it turns out to be the glee club so she goes after the vampires instead. Channel 2.
8 p.m. "Subtle as a Serpent.' A look at the habits of the slimy reptiles and their uncanny ability to pass the Bar exam. Discovery Channel.
6:15 p.m. "Lassie'' (1994). In this updated version, the resourceful canine goes undercover to expose a modern slave trade flourishing in the rural strip joint industry. HBO.
8 p.m. "Fluke'' (1985). A business man is killed and then comes back as a dog, scrambling to find the family he left behind. It's kind of like "Ghost,'' only he's a dog. So instead of caressing his mournful wife with his spiritual aura, he goes straight for her leg. Showtime.
9 p.m., "Showgirls'' (1995). Elizabeth Berkley wanted to sink her teeth into a meaty role, except she was the meat. Showtime.
-All from Rick Polito. He writes a very funny daily TV listing column, that you can see at: http://seattlep-i.nwsource.com/tv/ If you enjoy his column, tell *your* paper that you'd like to see it! I'd like this sort of humor in my TV guide!
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+=- Bad Pun Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** One day, God speaks to Noah. 'Noah', he says, 'I want you to build another Ark.' 'What, like the last one?' asks Noah. 'Yes' replies God, 'Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks.' 'And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last time?' says Noah. 'No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it'. Noah is a little puzzled. 'Just fish?' he asks. 'Yes' says God. 'In fact, just carp.' 'Just carp? Why carp?' Noah quizzes.
'Well,' says God, 'I've always wanted a multi-storey carp Ark!
+=- Redneck Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** One day, this Year Four pupil comes home from school and says to his father, "Dad, everyone in class can count to a hundred, but I can only count to ten. How come?" His father replies, "Well son, that's because you're from West Virginia." The next day, the Year Four pupil comes home from school and says, "Dad, today everyone in class recited the entire alphabet, but I only know up to L. How come?" Again, the father replies, "Well, that's because you're from West Virginia." The following day, the Year Four pupil comes home all excited, with a smile going from ear to ear. He says, "Dad! Dad! Today, we had P.E. and all the boys had little penises, but mine was huge. Is that because I'm from West Virginia?"
The father replies, "No son. That's because you're 28 years old."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Funny Comebacks! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/comebacks.html Men that you meet in the bathroom! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/toilet.html Rules for calling "Shotgun" http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/shotgun.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
** How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
** Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
-From Shelley
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two blokes are talking about their wives while having a couple of drinks. "Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asks one of the blokes. "Well, not exactly," replies his friend. "She prefers to pretend she's a dog." "Oh. Very kinky." "Well, not really. Whenever I make an overture, she rolls over and plays dead."
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+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!" The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things." Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!" After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!" Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!" A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?
The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries. The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries. Aviaries are where you find birds." Frannie shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*. Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection. After a quick look, he said,
"Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cock-a-too in there."
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