Have you subscribed to Joke Email? The funniest weekly jokes >>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Cologne...."HUGO...." See what it is... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/hugo.html Teach me this... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/teach.html What is that hedgehog doing? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/hedgehog.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2)
JOKE EMAIL
Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 11, No. 07 August 28th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi all! Sorry for the delay in getting Joke Email to you all this week - it won't happen again! Remember to tell your friends and colleagues about Joke Email and get them to SIGN UP! Also, if any of you have thought about trying online dating for a bit of a laugh, I recommend One and Only. Not only have they got the largest collection of personals, but you can post a free advert just to see who replies! Give it a go, you never know eh? All the info's below.
Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
===== .... Find a Partner WHILE YOU SLEEP.....
AT Love Personals, you place a FREE ad, and get replies while you sleep! - PLACE a FREE ad - See who responds.... - Browse the ads and photos - who do you like? Just TRY it today and you never know what might happen! http://www.one-and-only.com/menu1.htm?MID=36935
AOL Users: Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK!
** THE TOP REJECTED TITLES FOR THE NEXT "HARRY POTTER" BOOK
16. Harry Potter and the Naughty Schoolmarm, Mrs. Letourneau
15. Harry Potter and the Throbbing Muscle of Love
14. Harry Potter and the Revenge of Montezuma
13. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer from NAMBLA
12. Harry Potter and the Painful Rectal Itch
11. Harry Potter and the Decline of Literacy
10. Harry Potter and the Sticky March Issue of "Hustler"
9. Harry Potter and the Sorceress's Sore
8. Harriet Potter After the Life-Altering Surgery
7. Harry Potter and the Curse of the Lisp
6. Harry Potter and the Inflatable Sheep
5. Harry Potter and Spinning Grave of Tolkien
4. Harry Potter and the Trenchcoat Mafia
3. Harry Potter and the Carnivorous Pony
2. Harry Potter and the Over-Hyped Children's Author and Clever Marketing Campaign
1. Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissues
+=- Beer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Something to consider....
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So drink more beer!
-From Ray McAllise
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more FREE Daily Jokes?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html
Want some weekly jokes too?... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-)
+=- Real Life Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Classified advertisement spotted in the Stoughton, Wisconsin, Courier Hub:
"NordicTrack for sale. New, hardly used, now $250. Ask for Chubby."
** From a Fall issue of Kitchen & Bath Custom Planner:
"GE's white-on-white catalogue offers a complete line of all-white appliances. Send for a full-color brochure."
+=- WORST Jokes EVER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Q. How do you get 200 pikachoo's on a bus ?? A. You Pok-em-on
** Two men were on a rooftop in Missouri during a flood. One of them noticed a hat going back and forth on top of the water in a regular pattern. He said to his buddy, "What in the world is that?" His buddy replied, "Oh, that's just Grandpa, he said come hell or high water he was going to mow the lawn today."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: This page will TICK YOU OFF! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/warning.html Does God Pay Bills? http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/godsbill.html Bat-Girl's New Logo! http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/batgirl.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- WorkPlace Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Net Snoop by Joe Lavin -- http://joelavin.com
"As computers and the Internet grow more prevalent, employers increasingly are using software to monitor workers' computer use. Employers say such surveillance is needed to cut down on-line loafing, to protect companies from potentially illegal or improper computer activities by workers, and even just to determine whether there is any problem of computer misuse." -- The Boston Globe
To: All Staff From: Charles Endicott
As many of you are aware, we have recently installed a new Net Snoop computer monitoring system to help us track employee Internet use. I want to assure you that we are using Net Snoop only to increase our productivity. While the system does allow me to view what is on your computer screen at all times, this in no way should be viewed as an invasion of privacy. It is merely an attempt to make our family here at Warburton's more successful than ever.
To: Melissa March From: Charles Endicott
Congratulations on your recent Minesweeper score of 163. That is very impressive indeed. However, while conducting a test of our new Net Snoop system, I did notice that you might be playing too much Minesweeper at work. In fact, yesterday you played all day, with only a break for lunch and another break in which to write a short e-mail to Raoul in Accounting entitled "Thanks for last night, STUD!!!" An occasional game of Minesweeper is fine, but it would be best to play only during your break time. Thank you.
To: George Pedersen From: Charles Endicott
While it is impressive that you have been able to download almost the entire Pamela Anderson video collection, I feel that this action is not at all appropriate in the workplace. From now on, Pedersen, please refrain from using company computers to view pornographic materials. Thank you.
To Raoul Westerburg From: Charles Endicott
It seems that your excessive online chatting may be a problem. Many of your messages seem quite racy for the office setting, and I think it is important that everyone remains fully clothed at all times during the workday. Also, from a review of your e-mail, it is apparent that you are involved romantically with at least three women and possibly one man in our office. There is no policy against this, but I do think it is important that something like this does not get out of hand. We certainly do not want this office to turn into a soap opera, and I hope that this can all be resolved without a scene.
To: George Pedersen From: Charles Endicott
Pedersen, I believe I have already warned you against viewing offensive materials. This extends to the use of e-mail as well. I must say that your latest e-mail joke about the cow was not at all amusing and in fact deeply disturbing. As you should know, such an activity can be quite painful for a cow, and I do not believe it is right for us to laugh at its misfortune. Furthermore, sending this out to a large number of people from a Warburton's e-mail address is completely unacceptable. I hope this will not happen again.
To: Melissa March From: Charles Endicott
Through Net Snoop, I was able to read several chapters of the new novel you are writing at work. I was very impressed, but I also feel that it would be best if you could refrain from writing this during work hours. Chapter Three, "Why Raoul is a two timing creep who deserves to die" was especially well written, though I am a little hurt by Chapter Six, "My boss is a big fat nosy bastard." If you are at all unhappy, I hope you will stop by my office so that we can discuss it. My door is always open.
To: All Staff From: Samuel Warburton
It is with great regret that I have asked for the resignation of Charles Endicott. He was in the past a very effective manager, but, since the introduction of our Net Snoop system, Charles has been greatly neglecting his work. During the last several weeks, he has not been performing his normal tasks at all; instead, he has merely been sitting in his office all day spying on other employees. I have decided it would be best to look for a replacement. I appreciate all your hard work and I know that we will be able to continue at our normal level of success throughout the coming transition. Thank you.
Copyright 1999 by Joe Lavin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Quick and Easy to Read - WebTV friendly, Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Join Now - mailto:laughing@uswest.net?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Most unlikely-to-be-effective chat up lines....
=> I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. => I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one? => Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. => Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? => You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. => You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? => You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. => Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? => I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? => Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I??? => Do you wash your pants in Windowlene because I can see myself in them. => I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
+=- "How to" Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** How to argue...
You can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
=> Drink Liquor. Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
=> Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
=> Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples and oranges. What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say, "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..." Your opponents says, "Lincoln died in 1865." You say "You're begging the question."
OR
You say, "Liberians, like most Asians..." Your opponents says, "Liberia is in Africa." You say, "You're being defensive."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons, or anyone who is considerably larger than yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PUREHUMOUR is anything BUT Pure! You know the jokes that guys tell in the bathroom? Well this is where they come from... The BEST jokes around....with many more daily features...all wrapped up in a nice package! Join in all the fun...you'll love it Subscribe: purehumour-subscribe@topica.com Archives: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The jumbo jet is just coming into Person Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt Johnson. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto. He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her take her back to my room, and shag her all night." Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gotta take a shit first!"
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A bit of a classic to finish with...
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself, "I don't f**king think so!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Join the Buffalo for breakfast. We are serving up a batch of TastyChips (adult jokes) with Lynn's Links and a garnish of free offers . For reservations send a blank e-mail to : mailto:Buffalos-Adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com or visit http://www.buffalosjokes.com Buffalos Jokes not one of those vegetarian jokelists. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) Refs: 50864, 50859, 50865, 50865, 50868 ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: *email_address_removed* Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, click here for rates: Rates ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com
