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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 11, No. 06 August 21st, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi all! Right, finally sorted out the list problems! Joke Email is now sent out using Topica, you are all subscribed so you don't have to move a muscle to keep laughing with us every Monday! Because of the change, the subscribe and unsubscribe addresses are changed, see them at the bottom of this email. More good news as well this week as Joke Email finally passed the 20,000 subscriber mark! We've been close for a few weeks, but we seemed to be moving backwards at some moments, so it's great to get back in the groove and over that mark! Roll on 25,000! Keep sending Joke Email to your friends, colleagues, and family!!
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** Two Quebecois walked into a pet store. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section. Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre, "Dats dem dere." The store clerk comes over and asks if she can help them. "Yea, we'll take four of dem birds in dat cage up der," says Jean-Marc. "Put dem in a paper bag." They leave the store and drive for three hours until they are high up in the hills. They stop at the face of a large cliff with a 500ft drop. "Dis looks like a good place eh?" says Jean-Pierre. "Oh yea, dis looks good," agrees Jean-Marc. They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss. "Tabernac! I guess I got to go first eh?" says Jean-Pierre. He takes 2 birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Jean-Marc watches as his buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds and goes "SPLAT!" As Jean-Marc looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Fock dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
+=- Clinton Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** How Bill Clinton is spending his last days in office...
=> Bitch Slapping Al Gore every time he blabs about restoring "dignity" and "integrity." => Showing George W. Bush around the White House and introducing him to his new employees. => Getting drunk and then bragging how he convinced America that oral sex didn't count as sex. => Planting hidden webcams throughout White House for his new 24-hour reality website. => Apartment hunting in NYC just in case Hillary isn't joking about "getting her groove back." => Surfing EBAY in attempt to get Lewinsky's stained dress back. => Helping Hillary on her campaign so he'll get the new house all to himself and make up for all those lost bong hits. => At George W. Bush's request: cleaning the stains under his desk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want more free Daily Jokes.... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe.html want more weekly Jokes.... http://www.dailymegajoke.com/testingframe2.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-)
+=- Internet Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Possible memo to Amazon......
From: Network Solutions, Inc, Herndon, VA 20170 Date: April 1, 2000
To: Mr. Jeff Bezos President and Chief Executive Officer, Amazon.com, inc., P.O. Box 81226, Seattle, WA 98108-1226
Subject: Application for Renewel of amazon.com domain name
Dear Mr. Bezos:
We recently received your application for renewal of the "amazon.com" domain name for your company, Amazon.com, inc. Unfortunately, we must reject your application, and assign you an alternate domain name instead; for the reasons outlined below. As you are no doubt aware, the .com top-level domain is intended for use by for-profit corporations. Many such corporations are registered with Network Solutions, and this policy is unchanged. However, it has come to our attention, as evidenced by recent SEC filings on behalf of Amazon.com, inc., that your company has yet to turn a profit. As such, Amazon.com, inc. no longer qualifies for a domain name in the ".com" hierarchy. However, based on your financial performance, you do qualify for membership in the ".org" domain; which is intended for non-profit organizations. Unless there are any objections from you or your representative, Network Solutions will assign Amazon.com, inc. the new domain name "amazon.com.org". (We would have assigned the shorter "amazon.org" domain, but that domain is currently assigned to a website for the San Fransisco lesbian community.) To be frank; we were gravely concerned about the amount of money that amazon.com, inc. has been losing. We were seriously considering assigning a name in the ".gov" domain based on the current rate that your corporation is losing money. However, as Amazon.com, inc. is a publicly-traded corporation, and policy reserves the .gov domain for organizations that are in fact governmental agencies, it was determined felt that this would not be appropriate. This change in your domain name registration only affects your Internet domain name as assigned by Network Solutions; and no way impairs your right to continue to do business under the trademark of "Amazon.com". If and when Amazon.com, inc. becomes a profitable enterprise; we will be happy to reconsider granting you once again the domain name "amazon.com", assuming it is still available. This change shall take effect within the next thirty (30) days, at which point the "amazon.com" name will be decomissioned. You have until then to notify customers and business partners. Effective immediately, and for the length of the thirty-day transition period; both names wlll be registered to Amazon.com, inc. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact our customer service department.
Sincerely, Jim Rutt Chief Executive Officer Network Solutions, Inc.
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+=- Old Age Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have just the thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner.... The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table; breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!" "I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes."
"Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "We just won't eat at that restaurant any more
+=- Driving Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** LONG ISLAND DRIVING RULES
1) Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal. 2) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 3) Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow." 4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. 5) Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. 6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs. 7) Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median. 8) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. 9) Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour. 10) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire. 11) Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up. 12) It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach. 13) Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Join the Buffalo for breakfast. We are serving up a batch of TastyChips (adult jokes) with Lynn's Links and a garnish of free offers . For reservations send a blank e-mail to : mailto:Buffalos-Adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com or visit http://www.buffalosjokes.com Buffalos Jokes not one of those vegetarian jokelists. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1)
+=- Religious Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 9. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 10. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
-From Luisa Byrne
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+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** What guys *really* mean.....
=> "I'M GOING FISHING": Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety."
=> "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?": Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
=> "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN": Translated: "I have no idea how it works."..
=> "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND": Translated: "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
=> "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD": Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner ...."
=> "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?"
=> "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES": Translated:"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe ...."
=> "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.": Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
=> "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING": Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon ...."
=> "I HEARD YOU.": Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
=> "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.": Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realise it could be worse."
=> "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.". Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on any more outfits, I'm starving."
=> "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.": Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again ...."
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a MAN???
Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing-your sister. Far from being an issue,this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair,and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal!
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+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said, "I'm gonna miss her!"
-From richreadrichard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Quick and Easy to Read - WebTV friendly, Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Join Now - mailto:laughing@uswest.net?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1) Refs: 50862, 50857, 50863, 50870 ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: *email_address_removed* Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, click here for rates: Rates ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com
