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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 11, No. 05 August 14th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi everyone! More great news this week as Joke Email.com hooked up Daily Mega Joke and a host of other fantastic joke sites to offer the "Pass Around Program!" This is a load of very funny photos and pictures that are ideal for passing on to your friends! The ad at the top, and the one below give you a glimpse of what you can expect - check it out! Also remember to look at the FunnyLooking Net People Gallery - remind yourself how things could be much worse! http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com Another thing I found while I was just passing the time online is QuickDonations.com. Using this site you can easily go to each of the "click to donate" sites every day and help save the rainforests, give food to the hungry, help research into cancer & aids, and much more. All you have to do is visit some of the sites, click the button and you can make a difference! All it takes is a minute of your time everyday and you can save acres of rainforest and donate sacks of food. Please take some time to visit http://www.QuickDomains.com
Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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+=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** 80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "BlondesAreNot Stupid Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcastmedia here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
-From Tina!
+=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the damn porridge yet!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Join the Buffalo for breakfast. We are serving up a batch of TastyChips (adult jokes) with Lynn's Links and a garnish of free offers . For reservations send a blank e-mail to : mailto:Buffalos-Adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com or visit http://www.buffalosjokes.com Buffalos Jokes not one of those vegetarian jokelists. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~()
+=- Lawyer Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ NB. By reading this joke you imdemnify Joke Email.com and staff of any legal proceedings resulting from you reading this joke. ie. Don't kill lawyers and blame it on us, and lawyers can't sue us for this joke. Kay?
** ATTORNEY HUNTING GUIDE
1.) Any person with a valid State hunting license may harvest attorneys 2.) The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3.) The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove roadkill to roadside, then proceed to nearest car wash. 4.) It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or other aircraft. 5.) It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free Perrier!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys. 6.) It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 7.) It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals. 8.) If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bounty on the pelt. 9.) Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, vermin and contagious diseases. 10.) It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys.
** Yo Mama so poor that all she could afford to exchange at Christmas were glances. ** Yo Mama so poor that she couldn't even afford to scratch an itch. ** Yo Mama so poor that she ate cereal with a fork to save milk. ** Yo Mama so poor that when you asked what was for dinner yo mama put her foot on the table, pointed to her feet, and said "Corn" ** Yo Mama so poor that when someone asked where the bathroom was, she replied "Pick a corner... any corner.
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** Top 10 Signs Your Baptism service is not going as it should....
10. The Coast Guard has to become involved in some unexpected way. 9. The service is held at "Splash Mountain Water Park." 8.The Pastor has to wear a frogman outfit complete with air tanks into the water. 7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from JAWS. 6. The preacher uses plastic animated `Billy the Bass' singing "take me down to the river" instead of the traditional shall we gather at the river. 5. You hear the pastor say, "Oops! Honestly, sister, I didn't know about that drop-off." 4. The pastor can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for "Help!" 3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear and packing a cooler. 2. Just as the choir starts to sing, the Crocodile Hunter jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Baptism service is not going as it should....
1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer
-From Robin!
+=- Topical Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** IMPORTANT MEMO >To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory >From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members: Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the American people to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a wee bit. Effective Monday:
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times. 2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would- be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody. 3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ." The stickers will be available at the front desk. 4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyperlinked via the Internet to such Web sites as sweedchicks.com or hackers-r-us.com, etc. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however. 5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls. 6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl- a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us. 7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects. 8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted. 9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours. 10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late.
I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job--it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week!
Sincerely, Bill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ///////////////////////////// \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Let's face it. Your mother was absolutely right!
** Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.) 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.) 6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.) 5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.) 2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
....and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're the ugliest bitch that has ever existed on this planet.)
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
....and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In school, did you hear laughter from the teachers' lounge? Did you ever think they were talking about you? They were! Read some of the stories and more in The Teachers' Lounge. Subscribe NOW if you don't want to be put into detention. To subscribe send mail to t.lounge-subscribe@listbot.com o~~o~~o~~o~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~~o~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~()
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job. Interviewer: "Name?" Tarzan: "Me, Tarzan." Interviewer: "Married?" Tarzan: "Wife, Jane." Interviewer: "Children?" Tarzan: "Son, boy." Interviewer: "Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?" Tarzan: "Tarzan, King of the Jungle." Interviewer: "Jane's Whole Name?" Tarzan: "Jane's Hole named Pussy."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A cowboy gets captured by the indians. They said they were going to put him to death, but before they would do that, they would grant him 3 wishes. So, the cowboy thinks a moment, and says, "For my first wish, I want to talk to my horse". So the indians bought his horse over, and the cowboy whispers into the horse's ear. The horse goes trotting off, and comes back with a beautiful brunette on his back. The cowboy, upset, says to the indians, "For my second wish, I want to talk to my horse again" So, although perplexed, the indians bring over his horse, and again, the cowboy whispers into the horse's ear. Again, the horse goes trotting off. The horse comes back about an hour later with a beautiful redhead on his back. At this, the cowboy was really mad. So the indians asked what his final wish would be. The cowboy again says "let me talk to my horse". He again whispers into the horse's ear, and off trots the horse. He comes back an hour later with a BEAUTIFUL blonde on his back. The cowboy - now furious - turns to the horse....
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