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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 11, No. 04 August 7th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi folks! Hope you enjoy the jokes - I particulary laughed at the Sexist jokes, so make sure you check them out!
Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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+=- Little Johnny Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** It was Miss Mary's first day out of teachers college, and to find out how clever her class of Year one's were, decided to give them a spelling test. "I'd like everyone to tell me what they had for breakfast, then spell it for me". Little Johnny waved his hand in the air frantically,but the sweet young teacher fresh from college had been warned by the Headmaster to watch out for this young lad as he was known to swear a bit. Jane, sitting in the front row, "Miss,I had weetbix for breakfast w-e-e-t-b-i-x". "That's very good", said Miss Mary, "now, Peter what about you". "Well Miss, I had toast t-o-a-s-t-" "Well done Peter". In the meantime Little Johnny's still trying to draw attention to himself. "Alright Johnny, what did you have for breakfast". Johnny replied "F**k all f-u-c-k-a-l-l ."
Dumbfounded Miss Mary decided to change the subject. "OK we will now move on to geography. Can anyone tell me where the Afghanistan border is? The whole class sat in silence - except for Little Johnny who's hand shot straight in the air. Miss Mary anxiously looked around for another respondent but finally gave in "Alright Johnny, where is the Afghanistan border?" "Home in bed with Mum, - that's why I got f**k all for breakfast!!
-From Kerry and Helen Leamy
+=- One Liners: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
=> We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid...until she closed her curtains. => He's what every woman wants - strong, sensitive...battery operated! => Unfortuately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquor license. => When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you. => To errr is human..to really screw up something up takes a computer. => Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no other bastard can find it. => My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking. => I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a week I think about doing some exercise. => We have a self-cleaning refridgator - she leaves stuff in there so long, it eventually crawls out under it's own steam.
~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm hungry! Is there anything to eat? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie's Country Cookin'. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@topica.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm)
+=- Political Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Top 7 signs that Richard Cheney has a bad heart...
7) Always looks like he's pledging allegiance. 6) His cholesterol level is directly proportional to the National Debt. 5) He owns a signed copy of Ted Kennedy's "Joy of Grease." 4) He can only donate blood to people with Type Nacho Cheese. 3) After every press conference there's a man standing over his body saying, "Clear!" 2) Let's face it: He's a politician.
And the number one sign that Richard Cheney has a bad heart:
1) During the Persian Gulf War he arrived in Kuwait with a spoon and bib, eagerly awaiting "Operation Dessert Storm."
+=- Short Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to marry one another for the earth to have been populated -- proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.
**Q. You know what I did before I married? A. Anything I wanted to.
** I see sales for Viagra are way down. I guess all those old guys finally figured out that sex with an old woman is not worth $20.
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+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Women's World Records....
Car Parking: The smallest kerbside space sucessfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. E. Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving: The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Traffic Light Cosmetics: The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.
Group Toilet Visit: The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaniously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.
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+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** What Women NEED to know about men:
Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction. Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?) One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumours about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!
=> HOW "BIG" SHOULD A MAN BE? Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen, so anything bigger is a bonus!
=> HOW "LONG" SHOULD A MAN LAST? Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."
=> HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM? The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is ANYWHERE inside you, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.
=> WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM? There is no such thing.
=> WHAT IS AFTERPLAY? Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of male "after-play" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying post-coital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.
=> WHAT IS IMPOTENCE? Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.
=> HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE? One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.
=> HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN? When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.
=> Other Important Questions...
Q: "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?" A: You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favourite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"
Q: "Where should a man take me?" A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about.
Q: "What happens if he doesn't call?" A: He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find a guy who runs an internet joke list, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MULTIMEDIA HUMOR EMAG AVHumor is an adult oriented, twice weekly completely free hilarious EMag, of Audio and Visual multimedia humor, such as cartoons, photos, movies, audio clips and programs. It is the funniest PG, R & X rated Multimedia twice weekly EMag on the net. To subscribe E-mail: AV-Subscribe@avhumor.com and put "Subscribed From 1754" in the subject line. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A farmer goes to town to run his usual errands. He has a pig, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken. He's thinking to himself, "Now, how am I going to carry a pig, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken." So he thinks about it for a bit, and decides to carry the bucket, put the pig in the bucket, place the anvil on top of the pig and carry the chicken under his other arm. So his trudges into town carrying his load, when a pretty girl admiring his physique says, "Sir, do you know the way to the fabric store?" The farmer smiles, and says, "Follow me down this alley, I'll be going right past it." The girl says, "If I follow you down this alley, you might molest me." The farmer says, "How could I molest you? I'm carrying a pig, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken." The girl quickly follows, "Well, you could put the pig down, place the bucket over the pig, place the anvil on top of the bucket, and I could hold the chicken."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** When Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk. "Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects." "Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the under- taker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off." Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's ancient corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra hundred dollars for handling the matter so professionally.
"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "What's a few nails?"
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