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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 11, No. 03 July 31st, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi everyone. I wish to dedicate this issue to all the families and friends of the 115 people who died in the Concorde disaster of earlier this week. Our thoughts and prays are with them all.
Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A Salt Lake pheasant hunter took his son to Idaho to do a little shooting. But all of the good fields were posted "No Trespassing." Being a good law abiding pheasant hunter (as surely all Utah pheasant hunters are) the man left his son by their car and went to the farm house to ask the farmer if they might hunt in his fields. He assured the farmer that no damage would be done to his fields or fences, and the farmer said that he would allow the hunting in his fields, if the hunter would do him a favor. "You see that old horse over there by your car?. Well, he's old, and he's got miseries. But he's sort of a family pet, and I can't bring myself to shoot him. Will you shoot him for me?" The hunter agreed, and as he was walking back to his car, he decided to play a joke on his son. As he approached the car his son asked, "Well, can we hunt the fields?" The man pretended to be angry, responded "You know these farmers, they won't let anybody hunt here. It makes me so mad, I could...I could...", and the man picked up his gun and shot the farmers horse. But to his surprise, he heard additional gunshots behind him. He turned around and his son said,
"You got his horse. I got his dog and cow. Now, let's get out of here!"
+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Family that laughs together stays together Our weekly Clean Jokes Digest ensures rip-roaring fun for the whole family. Plus a weekly cartoon! Send a blank email/ no subject to CleanHumorDigest-subscribe@listbot.com Check out our site! http://www.jokesnstuff.net/digest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1)
+=- Darwin Awards: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Darwin Awards 2000
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. Some candidates appear to have been for this event!
=> DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1) In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2) Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
3) In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was raiding. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
4) Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
=> DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
1) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
2) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
3) TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no onehad brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
=> ....AND THE WINNER IS:
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant 'Stefan' 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up elephant finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."
** Things Not to Say to Your New Girlfriend's Parents.....
=> My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me. => Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday? => Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check! => We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times. => Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion. => Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her. => Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it? => There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too. => Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
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+=- Commentary Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** From CNN: "MANILA, Philippines (CNN) -- Philippine investigators detained a man for questioning on Monday after searching the home of the suspected creator of the 'Love Bug' virus. The apartment was identified as the source of the virus through a rather low-tech invention: Caller ID."
Ah yes, good old-fashioned Caller ID.
Primative Man (and Primative Woman, of course) huddled in their cave:
Primative Man: What you do? Primative Woman: Oog. Rock hit other rock. Make spark. Primative Man: Urg. What for want spark? Primative Woman: Spark jump to sticks. Make ... Primative Man: Hold on, got a call coming in .... *checks Caller ID* no, never mind, it's just Ogg again. You were saying?
-From Anon
+=- Blonde Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynaecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably. "I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table..."
"Well, alright, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
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+=- Religious Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Three truck drivers die and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St.Peter asks the first truck driver, "Did you ever break the law?" The truck driver responds, "Sure." St. Peter then asks him, "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?" The driver responds, "All the time." Then St. Peter asks him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The truck driver heartily responded, "Every chance I got." St. Peter then told the first truck driver to select door number 3 of the three available doors. Then St. Peter asks the second truck driver, "Did you ever break the law?" The truck driver responds, "Sometimes." "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?" "Every now and then." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" "A couple of times." St. Peter told truck driver number 2 to also enter door number 3. St. Peter now asks truck driver number 3 the same questions. "Did you ever break the law?" The truck driver says, "No." He then asks, "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?" Again the driver responds, "No". St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The truck driver thought a couple of seconds and said, "Well, once. You see, I was in this bar in Nebraska. I noticed they only had one woman in it for all of the men. I asked the bartender why this was and he said, 'Well, she's all we need. She can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.' so that's when I cheated on my wife." St. Peter then told the truck driver to enter door number 1. The truck driver, in amazement, asks, "What?? You sent the others to door number 3??"
St. Peter calmly replies, "Yes, they're going to hell. But we're off to Nebraska!"
+=- Computer Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Apparently a true story....
"I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password.... now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect... so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis"...
I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
-From Antone!
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+=- Dirty Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties to work the counter. One day a young man enters the store, eyes the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread high on the shelves, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, and the young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with a magnificent view, just as he had hoped. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two more loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, another male customer notices what is going on. Thinking quickly as the clerk again descends to the counter, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of yet another male customer. Pretty soon each fellow in the store is successively asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up to the top shelf. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. Finding herself yet again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells down, "Is yours raisin too?" "No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Eagles mate for life, so this near-sighted eagle goes out to look for a mate. He finds a Dove. They go back to his nest and they make love. It was fantastic sex but all night long this dove says "I'm a dove, let's make love. I'm a dove, let's make love." Well the eagle just can't take this for the rest of his life so next morning he kicks her out of his nest. Then on for the quest of another mate. He runs into a wren. He takes her back to his nest and makes love to her. Again fantastic sex but all night long this wren says "I'm a wren let's do it again. I'm a wren let's do it again." Well the eagle is getting really irritated so next morning he kicks her out of the nest. Being very cautious (he thinks) he goes out to look for another mate.....He finds the perfect mate...a Duck. So again he takes her to his nest and makes love to her. You'll never guess what this duck said all night long...???!!!????
"I'm a drake you made a mistake. I'm a drake you made a mistake"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Quick and Easy to Read - WebTV friendly, Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Preview webtv format http://www.humorhwy.com/CT-webtv.html Join - Send mailto:cybertrash@humorhwy.com?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: *email_address_removed* Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, click here for rates: Rates ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com
