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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 10, No. 08 June 26th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 20,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
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+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** After the student delivered the pizza to old Ken's house, Ken asked: 'What is the usual tip?' 'Well,' replied the youth, 'this is my first trip here, but the other blokes say if I get 5c out of you, I'll be doing great.' 'Is that so?' snorted Ken. 'Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five bucks.' 'Thanks,' replied the youth, 'I'll put this towards my studies.' 'What are you studying?' asked Ken. The lad smiles and said: 'Applied Psychology'
+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, " Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." The passenger said, "Who?" The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect." The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood." The rider said, "No wonder you remember him." The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave." The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"
The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Quick and Easy to Read - WebTV friendly, Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Preview webtv format http://www.humorhwy.com/CT-webtv.html Join - Send mailto:cybertrash@humorhwy.com?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1)
+=- Real Life Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us something....
=> On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. => On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. => On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. => On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. => On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. => In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) => On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? => On a hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. => On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. => On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. => On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. => On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. => On packaging for a iron - DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
+=- Topical Jokes: England's Exit from Euro 2000 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Tuesday night (20-Jun-00) at 9:28pm BST, scientists at the British Geological Survey recorded an earthquake measuring 4.7 on the Richter Scale.
The tremor which was detectable throughout the world, had it's epicentre in England and is thought to have been caused by 21 million people shouting the word "wanker" simultaneously.
-From Eric & Maria's Internet Site - The Computer Humour Archive [http://www.eric-maria.co.uk/]
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+=- Car Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** What your car says about you:
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars Acura NSX - I am impotent Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people Chevrolet Chevette - I like people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart) Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above) Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie Porsche 944 - l am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic) Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than the Isuzu Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
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+=- Sport Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** In a recent football match between Barbados and Grenada in a cup competition, Barbados needed to win by two clear goals to progress to the next round. But a rule in the competition stated that in the event of the game going to penalty kicks, the winner of the kicks would be awarded a 2-0 victory. With five minutes to go, Barbados were leading 2-1, yet heading out of the tournament because of the two clear goals rule.
When they realised they were probably not going to score against Grenada's massed defence, they turned round, and deliberately scored an own-goal to level the scores and take the game to penalties. Grenada, being no mugs, realised what was going on and then attempted to score an own goal themselves.
But the Barbados players started defending Grenada's goal to prevent this chicanery. In the last five minutes spectators were treated to the incredible sight of both teams defending their opponents' goal against attackers desperately trying to score an own goal and goalkeepers trying to throw the ball into their own net.
The game went to penalties which Barbados won so they were awarded a 2-0 victory and went into the next round.
+=- More Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
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+=- Sexist Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... ... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** On the first day of the US Open at Pebble Beach Thursday, tour favorite Tiger Woods turned in a blistering round, finishing at 6 under. That puts him one stroke ahead of Miguel Jiménez, and tied with defending champion Payne Stewart, also 6 under.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Quick and Easy to Read - WebTV friendly, Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Preview webtv format http://www.humorhwy.com/CT-webtv.html Join - Send mailto:cybertrash@humorhwy.com?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: *email_address_removed* Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, click here for rates: Rates ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com
