Have you subscribed to Joke Email? The funniest weekly jokes >>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Enter a $3 MILLION LOTTO FREE at BigPrizes.com - Now!
Bigprizes.com is a FREE game sweepstakes sites. We reward people with BIG prizes for playing games. The more you play the more you win. Prizes like vacations, TV's, computers, PDA... ** JOIN NOW ** to enter the $3 MILLION Lotto... someone will win VERY SOON!
Goto: Click Here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
JOKE EMAIL
Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 10, No. 07 June 19th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 17,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi Everyone - still problems with getting everyone on board at our new list host. Soon though, soon.... ;-)
Enjoy the jokes
Have a great week! Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
===== The more you play, the more you WIN! at BigPrizes!
Bigprizes.com is a FREE game sweepstakes sites. We reward people with BIG prizes for playing games. The more you play the more you win. Prizes like vacations, TV's, computers, PDA... JOIN NOW to enter the $3 million Lotto... ... someone will win VERY SOON! Click Here ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Double your Internet Speed, Surf up to 100% faster!
Why surf slowly, when you can supercharge your connection? Join for FREE today and you can WIN a Mercedes E320 !! TOTALLY FREE INSTALLATION, takes less than 5 minutes Click Here =====
+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert. "Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water." "Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties." "What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked. "That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you." The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed. The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir," the doorman said, "But you can't come in here without a tie!"
+=- Newspaper Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Actual Newspaper Headlines...
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 7. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FREE long distance phone card (40 min.) - no obligation 40 MINUTES FREE JUST FOR JOINING DAYTIPS' EZINES ///////////////////////////// \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ It's a no-brainer! Join today -->> http://DayTips.com/aec/ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ ///////////////////////////// ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
** Greeting cards that probably won't be printed...
=> Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again. => Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad your wife is a dog. => I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind. => Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking? => As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. => Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.
+=- Little Johnnie Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked "What will you be doing this summer?" "Me and my family will go to the beach a lot," Suzie answered. "That sounds like fun," said Miss Figpot. "How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?" "My family just bought new bikes will ride together." Emma replied enthusiastically. "That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her students until she got to Little Johnny in the back of the room. "What will you do this summer, Johnny?" "Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly. "Nothing? Aren't you going to do anything with your family?" she asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his imagination. "Nothing." He replied "Will you go to the beach?" "No." "Will you ride bikes?" "No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!" "Why not?" said the shocked Miss Figpot.
"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "But dad always says, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CyberTrash - Very Spicy, Sometimes Trashy, Adult Humor 3 Daily Funnies - Quick and Easy to Read - WebTV friendly, Preview now at: http://www.humorhwy.com/cyber_trash.html Preview webtv format http://www.humorhwy.com/CT-webtv.html Join - Send mailto:cybertrash@humorhwy.com?subject=Jokes4Me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- Marriage Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** One man was explaining to another why he fired his secretary:
Two weeks ago, it was my 45th birthday. I wasn't feeling too hot when I got up that morning, you know, another year older, and everything. Anyway, I went down to breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me, but she didn't even say "Good Morning ." I thought, "Well, that's great, certainly the children will remember." The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. By the time I got to the office, I was feeling very low and despondent. As I walked in my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning!... Happy Birthday!" Then I felt a little better that someone remembered. About noon she knocked at the door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's go out to lunch, just you and me." So I said, "That's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. But we didn't go to the place we usually went to. Instead we went to a little place in the country, which was more private. We had two drinks, and lunch was tremendous. I enjoyed it a lot. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. Do we have to go back to the office?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Good, my apartment isn't too far from here. Let's go over and I'll fix you another drink." So we went to her apartment and had another drink. She said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and change into something more comfortable." I said, "OK" as I didn't mind a bit. She went into the bedroom, and in about five mintues she came out of the bedroom carrying a large birthday cake, followed by my wife and children, and they were all singing "Happy Birthday."
And there was me sitting there wearing only my socks!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Join the Buffalo for breakfast .. We are serving up a batch of Spicy Chips ( adult jokes ) with LynnLynn's Links and a garnish of sweepstakes and free offers . For reservations send a blank e-mail to : mailto:Buffalos-adult-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com Everything in a jokelist you will ever want and free also. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- T-Shirt Slogans ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** SEEN ON T-SHIRTS
=> "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?" => "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time" => "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old) => "Rehab Is for Quitters" => "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" => "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING" => "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" => "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" => "HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!" => "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT" => "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
+=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two blondes walk up to a perfume counter. The first one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist, smells it, and says, "That's nice, don't you think, Tracy?" Tracy says, "Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?" Sharon says, "Viens a moi." Tracy says, "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" The store clerk says, "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'Come to me.'" Sharon takes another sniff and says,
"That doesn't smell like come to me. Does it smell like come to you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let's face it. Stupid people are FUNNY! The Bonehead of the Day mailing list finds the best of them all from major news sources and tells you all about them! mailto:bonehead-subscribe@egroups.com to join or visit our web site at: http://bonehead.oddballs.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- Sex Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' ...and she's always sound asleep."
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat."So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....
....Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FREE long distance phone card (40 min.) - no obligation 40 MINUTES FREE JUST FOR JOINING DAYTIPS' EZINES ///////////////////////////// \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ It's a no-brainer! Join today -->> http://DayTips.com/aec/ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ ///////////////////////////// ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: *email_address_removed* Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, click here for rates: Rates ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com
