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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 10, No. 05 June 5th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 17,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
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+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt!' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red shirt!' And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?' The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.' The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!'
+=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd been sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes. My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida every winter."
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+=- Topical Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Patrick Swayze had to perform an emergency crash landing, when a private plane he was piloting was forced to land on a dirt road. He was uninjured...the FAA has investigated and has a number of possibilities for this near disaster. The first one being that based on his career recently, he is used to things falling rather quickly.
** Other possibilities are he was researching his role in Ghost 2 or he was actually a student at the John Denver flying school
** Britney Spears joyously announced that she has continued her growth spurt and has actually grown another full inch...she also reported that her height remained the same
** Matthew Perry, who plays Chandler on ‘friends’ recently drove his Porsche into a house in Hollywood...this has led to his co-stars from the hit sitcom to come to his defense and say that in the future, they will adhere to their new policy, ‘friends don’t let friends drive......period
** Jodie Foster has reported that she is indeed pregnant again, and as with the last child is refusing any information on who the father is or how it may have occurred...all that this means is light some more candles and put them in the windows cause the last time this happened 3 Wise men rode in from the East
** Melissa rivers, daughter of comic Joan Rivers is expecting her first child later this year...Melissa took a page right out of her mother’s book when for years Melissa just continually asked her husband, “Can we pork?”
-All from Billy Hine at http://www.airsick.net
~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm hungry! Is there anything to eat? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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+=- The Darwin Awards: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the awarding of the Darwin Award. This prestigious award recognises those people, who through stupid and inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society by removing their genes from the gene pool. So here are the runners-up for this year's award.
=> (15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guard-rail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgement and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
=> (25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
=> (16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
=> (1999, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.
=> (28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in north-eastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbour Alan Renfry told reporters.
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First Runner Up Award goes to ...
=> (August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.
And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is ...
=> (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the south-eastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.
-From Chris Johnson
+=- Redneck Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Southern Bumper Stickers...
=> The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. => I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. => Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. => I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. => WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. => You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. => BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. => I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. => So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! => I'm just driving this way to piss you off. => Keep honking, I'm reloading. => As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. => I took an IQ test and the results were negative. => Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. => Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THIS NONSENSE? Those lovable scamps, Linky & Dinky, find the DARNdest Web Links, and compile them for us in a highly disorganized, scattershot manner... from the brainy, to the bizarre, to the obtuse, Linky & Dinky rule! Always a FUN stop. Don't miss the Magic Trick, it's a DOOZY! http://www.linkydinky.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4/1)
+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
-From Scott Sontag
+=- Clothing Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get." "See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth." A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off. "What did that man want?" one nun asked the other. "I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left." "What did he say?"
"'Pincus Fucktus'."
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+=- Foreigner Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** On the border of England and Wales there's this small forest that's managed by a couple of wardens, one from England and one from Wales. Whilst patrolling the forest one day, the English warden comes across a wolf caught in a trap. Immediately he returns to his office and phones the Welsh warden and tells him that one of his wolves is caught in a trap. "How do you know it's one of our wolves?" asks the Welsh warden. "Well," replies the English warden, "He's already chewed off three of his legs, and he's still trapped."
+=- Sexist Jokes - of an ADULT nature. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Q. Why did God create woman? A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow.
Q. What is the definition of "making love"? A. Something a woman does while a guy is riding her.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white? A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? A. Made her chain too long.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A. Marry it!
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. How is a woman like a condom? A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.
Q. Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist? A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
-From Pete Westcott
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