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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 9, No. 05 March 27th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 16,500!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Well, Oscar weekend and it's due to start in a few hours. We haven't got a clue who'll win - but what's new!
Have a great week! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travellers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
** Two mississippians are walkin down the street and one's carrying a bag so the other guy says "What ya got in the bag Tom?" He says just some chickens. Then the other guy says says" If I can guess how many that are in their would ya give me one?" Then Tom says "Well shoot if u guess right I'll give ya both of um." Then the other guy says "Um, Five?" __________ From Steven!
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+=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Company Motivation Posters (We'll never see)
1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 2) It's only unethical if you get caught. 3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 4) We put the "k" in "kwality" 5) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing. 6) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity! 7) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. 8) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. 9) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 10) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! 11) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?" 12) If at first you don't succeed, try management. 13) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens. 14) Never quit until you have another job.
+=-Mother In Law Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
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+=- You Know You're Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
You Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant when....
10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period". 9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late. 8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is your day." 7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation. 6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom. 5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line." 4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review. 3. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals. 2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points. 1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win".
+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied ________________ From Kathy Thompson!
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+=- Redneck Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Redneck tips:
GOING OUT: 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT: 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME: 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING:(Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish, with her parents, what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS: 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tire always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
+=- Sexist Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Examination Paper. SEXISM STUDIES
Time allowed 3 hrs. Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer to a particular question attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor and having a shifty while you lean over to retrieve it. You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to frighten the other candidates into thinking that you must have worked your arse off. Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make the invigilator jump. With three minutes to go, suddenly realise there are 4 more questions on the back of the page that you haven't spotted.
Section A (50%) 1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer: a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the match, though.
2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.
3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.
4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend. a) Sex Boat b) Three Into One Will Go c) King Dong d) Speared by Zulu Lovers
5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.
Section B (50%)
1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.
2. Name something a woman has invented.
3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.
4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testarossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.
5. Discuss the philosophical implications of this statement; "If a man speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?"
** A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
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+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said,
"If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
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