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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 9, No. 04 March 20th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 16,500!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hope you all enjoy the jokes - and remember to send your jokes to us if you have any you'd like to see published.
Have a great week! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
+=- Redneck Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and going 'no shit?! what happened next?'"
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+=- Toy Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Mattel has changed the measurements on its world famous Barbie doll to make her body more realistic. Her chest was reduced, and her waist was made larger. Mattel hopes this will send the message that even an ugly woman can be a complete airhead. Officials at Mattel say if the new, more realistic looking Barbie doll goes over well with the public. They may introduce a new, gayer looking Ken doll by next Christmas. Mattel's announced that it's reconfiguring its Barbie doll to make her more flat-chested and fatter. Of course, the new Barbie will also come with a dream-house bachelor pad where Ken can meet his thinner, bigger-breasted mistresses.
+=-Anagrams: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer Selina Scott - Elastic snot Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot Robert De Niro - error on bidet Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses Mel Gibson - big melons Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large n crazed Kylie Minogue - I like em young Gloria Estefan - large fat noise Chris Rea - rich arse Madonna the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot Diego Maradona - O dear I'm a gonad Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint o lager virtually erases sexiness An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen Pentium Processor - Computerises porn _________________ From Pete Westcott!
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+=- Top 10 Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked - actually 11 but...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources. 4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 6. You want to see if it's like the dream. 7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 11. No one ever steals your chair.
+=- You Know You're Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** You Know Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You when....
15. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 14. He actually *does* have your tongue. 13. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. 12. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 11. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 10. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 9. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM." 8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?" 7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. 6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed. 5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep. 3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose. 2. You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT." 1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Strange News --> "Out of this world events. Actual news." Poem-a-Day --> "Brief bio of poet and poem each day." CheapStakes --> "Free online sweepstakes reported daily" Freebies --> "Freebies with attitude. We rank free stuff." http://www.DayTips.com/aec/ - It's About the Little Things! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(3/1)
+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table. The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
** An oldie but a classic -
A man walks into his front door and the following conversation takes place.
The husband: "Hurray,- I won ,- Hurray I won. I'm a lotto milionaire. His wife: "Thats fantastic,- after all these years" The husband:"Yes - go up and pack" The wife:"Yes of course - should I pack summer or winter-clothes?" The husband:"Pack whatever you like, you're getting out of my life anyway !!!! _________________ From Joachim Berner!
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+=- Medical Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. "When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. "Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. "So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
+=- Blonde Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A blonde steps into an elevator, smiles at the man already on, and says," T-G-I-F." The man smiles and says," S-H-I-T." The blonde smiles back and replies," T-G-I-F." The man again smiles and says," S-H-I-T." The blonde looks confused. She answers the man, and says, "Thank goodness its Friday." The man smiles and replies, "Sorry honey, its Thursday."
+=- Politics Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the 'short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.
For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).
Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the 'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to."
Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage."
For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell 'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was "clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to use one before.
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00" The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" The Indian says, "yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, ""you're on" The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana" The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff" The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas" The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?"
The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."
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