Have you subscribed to Joke Email? The funniest weekly jokes >>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email SPONSORED BY : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a funny joke: Your eating habits. If you eat fat foods, chow on chocolate, drink coffee and take supplements, better go to FitnessLink. It's no-fluff motivational news, easy-to-follow exercise programs and everything fitness. Check out why the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, Family PC and Yahoo say it's the finest in fitness. Free fit-trivia ezine and fitness pinup pictures, too. http://www.fitnesslink.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4)
JOKE EMAIL
Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 9, No. 03 March 13th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 16,500!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi everyone! We are celebrating this week as we have pushed over the 15,000 subscriber mark! Thanks to all of you for supporting us and recommending us to your friends! Also, we have been informed that the AllAdvantage Viewbar is now available for download at http://alladvantage.com/go.asp?refid=AOR094 I'm using now and it's only about an inch high and doesn't interfere with your surfing habits. Try it now, earn $20 a month extra!
Have a great week! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
===== Find out about your favorite sports events, TV shows, and more - in advance. Organize your life with AnyDay.com! Click here for your FREE online DayPlanner! http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=354&a=cd5481 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== ** UK Residents ** Earn FREE shares in your Internet Service Provider. The more you surf, the more shares you get. Upto £1000, plus 2000 credits in unfloated ISPs. For more info: Click Here http://freeshares.intercosmos.com =====
+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** I ran into Joe at the coffee shop this morning. He really looked worn out so I asked him, "Have a bad night, Joe?" "Did I ever! Didn't get any sleep to speak of. There was this woman who kept knocking on my door. Yelling at her didn't have any affect. I threatened her with everything I could think of, but she just kept it up." "What did you do? Call the police?" "No, that wouldn't have done any good. Finally about 4:00 I got up and let her out."
** A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some a**hole's got my pen."
+=-Unbelieveable Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** As seen on http://www.loc.gov/copyright/faq.html, the FAQ for the US copyright office:
58. How do I protect my sighting of Elvis?
Copyright law does not protect sightings. However, copyright law will protect your photo (or other depiction) of your sighting of Elvis. Just send it to us with a form VA application and the $30 filing fee. No one can lawfully use your photo of your sighting, although someone else may file his own photo of his sighting. Copyright law protects the original photograph, not the subject of the photograph.
Does it really come up that often?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Rave Unzipped ADULT HUMOR... no holds barred. Must be over 18 to join. Jokes, Liners, Cool Sites... Six Days a Week. Subscribe: unzipped-subscribe@therave.org For even MORE goodies: http://www.therave.org ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1)
+=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows." "Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."
+=- Drinking Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!" Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... ... then farted."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BILL CLINTON HAS SOME STD'S! Click below to help poor Billy, OR RUB IT IN HIS FACE! http://www.angelfire.com/ca/hawkeyemjs/clintons.html ALSO, FREE DAILY JOKES, INSULTS, FORWARDS, AND MORE! http://megajokes.tsx.org ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1)
+=- What? Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon. We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple was sitting down for a breather before they left. The wife suggested to her husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries." Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face. He told us, in all seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."
+=- You Know You're Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** You Know You Hired the wrong kid to mow your lawn when:
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag 9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats 8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher 7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head 6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulche 5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system 4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings 3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus 2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks 1. No toes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A smile a day keeps worries at bay! Jokes'n'Stuff is your answer to working those facial muscles Plus regular cartoons at website - Check out our site! http://www.jokesnstuff.net Send a blank email/no subject to jokesnstuff-subscribe@listbot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1)
+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Why us men are so (understandably) proud of ourselves:
=> We know stuff about tanks => A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase => We can open all our own jars => We don't have to learn to spell a new last name => We can leave a motel bed unmade => We can kill our own food => We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness => Wedding plans take care of themselves => If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend => Our Underwear is $10 a three-pack => If you are 34 and single nobody notices => Three pair of shoes are more than enough => We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming => Car mechanics tell us the truth => We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me." => Same work - more pay => Grey hair and wrinkles only add character => My pals will never trap me with: "So, notice anything different?" => We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes => The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades => We don't have to shave below the neck => Our belly usually hides our big hips => We can do our nails with a pocket-knife => We have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache => Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas in 45 minutes
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. 7. Plagiarism saves time. 8. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself. 11. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 13. We waste time, so you don't have to. 14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! 15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. 16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. 17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. 18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. 19. Succeed in spite of management. 20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BIG MAC JOKES now comes in two flavors, "R", and clean.
For "R", go to http://bigmacjokeattack.listbot.com, or send a blank email to bigmacjokeattack-subscribe@listbot.com For "clean", go to http://bigmaccleanjokeattac@listbot.com, or a blank email to bigmaccleanjokeattac-subscribe@listbot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1)
+=- Bad Life Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
** One day, as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I caught up with the guy and asked "Hey, why are you jogging naked ??" He said..."Because you came home early."
** When I was born...the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father... "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But he still pulled through."
** Steak and sex, my favourite pair. I have them the same way, very rare.
** I told the bartender to surprise me, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife. I said, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everyone".
** I bought my wife a parrot that can talk. Now when I come home from work I hear it say, "Quick! Out the window!"
+=- Blonde Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when................. ...................the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
+=- Nerd Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Top 23 Nerd Tshirt Sayings:
1. "If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer......oh wait he does." 2.Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. 3. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. 4. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. 5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 6. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. 7.Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression 8. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding 9. The name is Baud......, James Baud. 10. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" 11. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 12. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) 13. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups. 14. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)? 15. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. 16. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . 17. All computers wait at the same speed. 18. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... 19. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? 20. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 21. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 22. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... 23. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
+=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Movie critic Rex Reed was arrested after he was caught by store security allegedly removing three compact discs from a midtown Manhattan record store.
Reed says he was simply borrowing the CDs for review on his television show. Critics give his flimsy excuse, 2 Thumbs down. Unfortunately with a name like REX, he’ll probably get 2 thumbs UP if he receives jail time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ready for something different? Scream of the Crop Jokes & Quotes Free jokes and quotes emailed 3 times/wk. Plus these extras: WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS (Sundays) SUPERSTITIONS (Wednesdays) BRAIN TEASERS or FRACTURED SONG LYRICS (Fridays) To subscribe mailto:scream_of_the_crop-subscribe@egroups.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: *email_address_removed* Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, click here for rates: Rates ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com
