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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 9, No. 02 March 6th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 15,200!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Hi everyone! We are celebrating this week as we have pushed over the 15,000 subscriber mark! Thanks to all of you for supporting us and recommending us to your friends! Also, we have been informed that the AllAdvantage Viewbar is now available for download at http://alladvantage.com/go.asp?refid=AOR094 I'm using now and it's only about an inch high and doesn't interfere with your surfing habits. Try it now, earn $20 a month extra!
Have a great week! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm hungry! Is there anything to eat? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many times have you heard that? You can get the answer to that question at Debbie’s Country Cookin’. We have recipes and tips for the kitchen, plus a FREE newsletter. Http://members.aol.com/Cntrycookn/index.html Or send your subscribe request to: DebbiesCountryCookin-subscribe@onelist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1pm)
+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The ultimate guide to what _not_ to put on a resume...
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples:
=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." => "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. => "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." => "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." => "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." => "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." => "I am a rabid typist." => "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." => "Proven ability to track down and correct errors." => "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." => "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one." => "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." => "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." => "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." => "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." => "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail." => "Qualifications: No education or experience." => "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." => Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
+=- Dilbert Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Dilbert's newest additions to add to your vocabulary in the late 90s office environment,
=> Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. => Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. => Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. => Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. => Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands. => CLM (Career Limiting Move): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. => Ohno-second: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. => Umfriend: A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend." => Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY PUREHUMOUR....one year old and growing strong The best of the best! Weird News, Great Jokes...what more could you ask for? You too should be a part of the BEST joke ezine on the net... Sent almost daily in Ezine format...ADULT subcribers only! Subscribe: purehumour-subscribe@onelist.com Archive: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- Photography Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** One day I was working in the darkroom with my girlfriend. Things started out negative but soon I was enlarging. As it started to develop, I told her we should stop before we got into a fix, but she said it would all come out in the wash.
The Black & White photo process summarized ... why, what were you thinking?
+=- Quote Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are." ---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
3. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." ---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
4. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti smoking campaign.
5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." ---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
6. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." ---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington
7. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." ---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
8. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." ---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
9. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." ---Former French President Charlie De Gaulle
10. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." ---A Congressional Candidate in Texas
11. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ---Texas Governor George Bush
12. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." ---General William Westmoreland
And last but not least-a parting word from Dan Quayle: 13. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
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+=- Yo Mama Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Yo mama's so ugly when she was born they tried to push her back in!
** Yo mama's so ugly when she was born they called the vet! _____________ Emilio M. Marti!
+=- You Know You're Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** You know you're no longer a teenager when...
=> You wear black socks with sandals. => Your back goes out more than you do. => You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. => Your good friend is dating someone half his/her age... and isn't breaking any laws. => You sing along with the elevator music => You constantly talk about the price of gasoline => You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. => People call at 8 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" => You bought cable just for the weather channel. => You have a party, and the neighbours don't even realise it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Rave Pics Three funny pics/toons per day, six days a week! Some are clean... some aren't so squeaky. ;o) WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Subscribe! ---> pics-subscribe@therave.org To see what else we have to offer: http://www.therave.org ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
** My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
** A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
** I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
** What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
** The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
** When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
** A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
** Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
** Any married man should forget his mistakes - there is no use in two people remembering the same thing.
** Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
** A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the trooper said. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the trooper said. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking." Then his mother-in-law taps him on the shoulder and says, "I told you you'd have nothing but bad luck driving a stolen vehicle".
+=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonising the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face." "He's an a**hole. I should have pissed on him." "You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" yelled Colin. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A smile a day keeps worries at bay! Jokes'n'Stuff is your answer to working those facial muscles Plus regular cartoons at website - Check out our site! http://www.jokesnstuff.net Send a blank email/no subject to jokesnstuff-subscribe@listbot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2/1)
+=- Foreign Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A Scottish old-timer in Scotland, in a bar, says to a young man, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.
But do they call me McGregor the fence builder? Nooooo.
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.
But do they call me McGregor the bar maker? Noooooo.
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.
But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But one lousy sheep..."
+=- Mother In Law Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front step. She said "Can I stay here for a few days?" I said: "Sure you can." and shut the door in her face.
** I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!
** My mother in law is so ugly, that she can turn milk into yoghurt just by looking at it
+=- Children's Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Q. What animal says one thing not to do to others, but he himself does it too.? A.: A Hippo-crite From Syed Shahbaz!
+=- Career Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AT WORK
It has been brought to our attention that certain individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some members of the public and their fellow staff, this type of behaviour will no longer be tolerated.
However, we do realise the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Personnel Department has compiled a list of CODE PHRASE replacements so that a proper & meaningful exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offence to our fellow workers.
OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
No f**king wayI'm fairly sure it’s not feasible. Youre f**king jokingReally, is that true? Tell someone who gives a f**kHave you run that by your supervisor? No b*****d told me I wasn't involved in that project. I dont have the f**king time Perhaps I can work late. No s**tYou don't say. Kiss my a**So, you’d like me to help you? You havent got a f**king clueYou could use some additional training. What sort of f**kwit are you?You're new here aren't you? Youre a f**king w****rYou're my boss, I respect you. F**k off I'll look into it and get back to you. Im not a f**king magicianIt could be difficult. You f**king loserYou were most unfortunate there.
I trust this meets with your approval Yours in fellowship, -- The Boss
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