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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 8, No. 09 February 14th, 2000 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== Subscribers: Over 14,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Wow! A bumper week for us... we were awarded "Mailing List of the Day" by TipWorld and we had over 1000 hits on that one day (a bit of a record for us!). So, Valentine's Day today, hope you all got a few! Check out Social Net if you'd like a bit more loving... their personals are TOTALLY FREE!
Have a great week! Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
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+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." __________________ From Mihajlo Filipovic!
+=- Computer Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** How to treat your IT Team....
1) When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2) When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 3) When I.T. support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 4) When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 5) Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 6) When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 7) When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. 8) When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 9) When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. 10) If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them. 11) When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you? 12) When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server. 13) We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
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+=- ParentHood Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first...
Your Clothes: 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name: 1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth: 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette: 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Going Out: 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home: 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
+=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Revised Company Exercise Programme
The company has discontinued all physical fitness programs since everyone gets enough exercise by:-
jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, shooting the breeze, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, pushing their luck, shuffling papers, and playing hide and seek.
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+=- Sexist Jokes: Men ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW.......
1) If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 3) Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 4) Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 5) Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 6) No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 7) Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes. 8) Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. 9) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 10) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 11) If it itches, it will be scratched. 12) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 13) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. ___________ From Raman!
** I see that Michael Jordan has been named president of the Washington Wizards. Now we have two presidents in Washington who know how to score. _______ From JB!
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+=- Redneck Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Rednecks will never be Y2K compliant
From a PC Week article on the telecommunications industry's success with the Y2K rollover: "At Sprint Corp., the only incident related to the date change happened around midnight on New Year's Eve in Atlanta, where a single aerial fiber-optic cable was severed by a gunshot, said Dennis Huber, vice president of network operations and systems management at Sprint, in Kansas City, MO. " _______ From JB!
+=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** There were 2 blonde girls and they went out to the woods. One looked down and spotted some tracks. She said those tracks were elk tracks. The other girl said that they were deer tracks. After an hour of arguing they both got hit by the train. ____________ From BlackVulpix00!
+=- Tastless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** "Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do," said the doctor. The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Please take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," requested the doctor. The woman obliged. "Now, turn all the way around... Lie down please... Uh-huh, I see... Okay, you can put your clothes back on now." The doctor took the husband aside and explained,
"You're in perfect health, mister. Your wife didn't give me an woody either." ___________ From Raman!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let's face it. Stupid people are FUNNY! The Bonehead of the Day mailing list finds the best of them all from major news sources and tells you all about them! mailto:bonehead-subscribe@egroups.com to join or visit our web site at: http://bonehead.oddballs.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1/1) ======================================================== FORWARD JOKE EMAIL - please pass the humor on !!!! However, we ask that you keep Joke Email intact and forward it in it's entirety. Subscriptions to this Ezine are FREE. Joke Email is published weekly. ========================================= To SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com To unsubscribe: *email_address_removed* Advertising Rates and Contact Information ------------------------------------------------------------- If you are interested in advertising in this Ezine, click here for rates: Rates ========================================= Tom Evans, Editor http://www.jokeemail.com SUBSCRIBE: subscribe_AT_jokeemail.com
