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Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 7, No. 08 November 29th, 1999 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== For details for all Joke Email advertising, click here =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. FORWARD JOKE Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!!
** Happy ThanksGiving !! Hope everyone has happy holidays!!
Keep laughing :-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email
+=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?
The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
** Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!" ____________ From RAMAN
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+=- Little Johnnie Awards: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up but says nothing. "How old are you?" "Six," Johnny says. "Six? When did you start smoking?" "Right after the first time I got laid." "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?" Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk."
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**The turkey shot out of the oven And rocketed into the air, It knocked every plate off the table And partly demolished a chair. It ricocheted into a corner And burst with a deafening boom, Then splattered all over the kitchen, Completely obscuring the room. It stuck to the walls and the windows, It totally coated the floor, There was turkey attached to the ceiling, Where there'd never been turkey before. It blanketed every appliance, It smeared every saucer and bowl, There wasn't a way I could stop it, That turkey was out of control. I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, And thought with chagrin as I mopped, That I'd never again stuff a turkey With popcorn that hadn't been popped.
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+=- You Know You're Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** YOU MIGHT BE FROM COLORADO IF:
You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.
You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a Mcdonald's in Vail.
You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that wears a bandanna.
Your real Y2K fear is running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.
The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You think that formal wear is ironed denim.
North means "mountains to the left"; south is "mountains to the right"; and east and west are where all those liberals keep moving in from.
You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and Birkenstocks.
You have stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.
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+=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." ___________ From RAMAN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is Nothing Sacred Anymore?? Only the Law of the Buffalo: "Great Humor in equals Great Chips out" And for a batch of the best adult chips on the internet, go to www.buffalosjokes.com or send a blank e mailto:Buffalos-adult-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1)
+=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
+=- Sexist Jokes: Women ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
+=- Blonde Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." ___________ From RAMAN
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+=- Tasteless Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
** A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!" The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants. The woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't sell those." The man argued that the sign stated that the store sold everything. The woman remarked that glass pants did not even exist. The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of glass pants. The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you that they existed!" The woman said, "At first I thought you were crazy,but now I see your nuts!"
** A man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital in to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!" "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me???" asked the man. The doctor replied, "Well no, but.... it's the only food we can get under the door."
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