... A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 9. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 10. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
