The £25 D-I-R-T-Y Pint:
Now, let's face it. If someone is having a HUGE party for their birthday, in all likelihood some hoodlums are going to beg, borrow, or steal to get their mate the infamous "dirty" pint. And that's exactly what happened... sensing our friend Pete didn't have nearly enough alcohol cursing through his veins, his dorm-mate Alan and I did the only decent thing good friends could do - we pestered everyone at the party for a "donation" to a drink for the Birthday boy. And fair play, these students aren't half as tight as I was as a student and handed over £25 ($40) into my outstretched Aussie hat! Ecstatic at our haul, we forced our way to the bar and emptied 25 (or more) pound coins onto the bar.
"What would you like lads?" the bar maid cheerfully asked, unaware of the devious nature of our trip to the bar.
"Er... well, we'd like to get Pete (who is bar manager by day, alcoholic pimp by night) a dirty pint, and we have £25 burning a hole in our pockets. Let's start with once along all the optics..."
The pretty bar maid scampers off and returns with several quadruple measures in three different glasses. I question why she hasn't deposited the liquor into one pint glass, to which she replies something about it being illegal to serve more than a quad in a single glass.
"Okay, no problem. May we please have an empty pint glass?"
This - it seems - is not illegal. As long as we pour all the booze into another glass she is no longer liable for any fatalities, chronic brain damage, or stomach pumping which may occur once the pint has been drunk. In somewhat of an alchololic stupor myself, I haven't figured out if Pete keels over and dies after drinking the "dirty" pint, I'm probably gonna be picking up soap in the prison showers for quite sometime. Still, occasionally one must suffer for their art, or in this case, their mate's 22nd Birthday.
Getting back to the "dirty" pint, the bar maid cheerily informs Alan and myself that the cost (so far) is £11. "Ok", Alan pipes up "Go along the optics again, but throw in a few of the rarer spirits". Alan is really on form, I hadn't even throught about including the real stomach-churning liquors into the pint, but faithfully the barmaid gives us a few shots of Baileys and Tia Maria instead of vodka and whisky.
"That's £22 all together" she hesitantly notes.
The pint is around 2/3 full, which just isn't good enough. The funds have stretched a long way, but we need just a few more ingredients.
"Throw in another double vodka."
THEN, the final essential component of any dirty pint... GUINNESS.
We ask for a half pint but can only pour around one third into the (now overflowing) drink. It's ready.
The final cost of the drink is anyone's guess. Blinded by the attractiveness of the barmaid, I threw all the money at her:
"Keep the change!"
What can I say... I'm a gentleman. (Albeit, a leery pissed one..)
Pete had NO idea what was on his way to him as he sat on a sofa, rapidly attempting to focus properly as an innocuous-looking pint appeared before him..
Okay, what's in it? This doesn't look like a pint of Guinness..
The girls and many of his University colleagues began to look at Alan and myself as if we were the Devil incarnate as we listed the components of the drink. Undaunted, our boy Pete dove in and began gulping..
Mmm.... TASTY!!
Two thirds of a pint later and Pete finally has that "Deer caught in the highlights" look. This is finally the time when you realise you've had waaaaay too much to drink, and there's only one place you'll be spending the next thirty minutes...
Sh*t boys... what have I just drunk?
See the results of the £25 DIRTY Pint >>
