You Know You're... Jokes

** You Know You're a small child when you know that.... No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. ** You know you work in Corporate America if ... You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. Your resume is on a disk in your pocket. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. You learn about your layoff on CNN. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. It's dark when you drive to and from work. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. "Communication" is something your group is having problems with. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple diet. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. You're already late on the assignment you just got. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. Your boss' favorite lines are "When you get a few minutes", "In your spare time", "When you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you." Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". You know you're on a diet when: If you eat something and no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. If you fatten up everyone else around you, you look thinner. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls. Cookies pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. Thing licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife making a sandwich Ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: Spinach & Pistachio ice cream, Mushrooms & White Chocolate. You know you're in a man's ideal world when: Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

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