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* The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they
had so much money they never drank out of the same glass
twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air
and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting
the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they
had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never
drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar,
and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the
bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many
Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
* Two Americans and a Belgium tourist are on a jumbo jet at 10,000 feet. One of the Americans turns to the Belgium tourist, and says to him " Do you think you could jump out of the plane, hit that cloud, and bounce back into the plane?". " No, I don't " said the Belgium " clouds can't be bounced on." "I think you could," replied the American "and to prove it, I'll do it". So he opened the door, jumped out, hit the cloud, and bounced back in. "See," he said "it can be done". "I don't believe it, do it again." said the Belgium. So, the American jumped onto the cloud, and back into the plane. "Wow" exclaimed the Belgium. "Why don't you try it?" asked the American. "OK" said the Belgium.
He opened the door, jumped out towards the cloud - and plummeted to his death. The other American who had sat and watched, turned to the first American " Superman, you're such a B**tard.!!!!"
** A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch
with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to
the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
** This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from West Virginia." The bartender asks, "What do you do in West Virginia?" The guy responds,"I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,
"It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
** The CIA seems to have been encountering problems with filling an opening
for a position as an assassin. It seems that after several thousand applicants were interviewed, the choice was narrowed down to two men and a woman.
As a final test of suitability, a test was devised to ensure the applicants' unswerving loyalty and dedication to following instructions without question, and as such, the final choice could be made.
The first man was taken to a closed door and told "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, open the door, take this gun and kill her". The man immediately balked at the procedure, and admitted he was not the man for the job, as he could never shoot his wife.
The second man was taken to the room and given the gun and told to go in and shoot his wife who would be sitting inside the room on a chair, and he went into the room with the gun and closed the door, but came out about five minutes later. He had tears in his eyes and he also said that he was unable to shoot his wife, even though those were his orders. It had been proven that he was not the man for the job either. He was told to take his wife and go home.
The woman was then taken to the door of the room, and told that inside the door sat her husband, and that to prove her unswerving loyalty to the company, she must kill her husband. She took the gun, opened the door and went in the room, then closed the door.
There were several shots heard, then all sorts of loud noise was heard from inside the room as the agents outside tried to get inside the room, the door of which she had locked.
Still unable to get in, the agents could only wait until the room fell silent and the woman finally opened the door.
They asked her what had happened and she wiped her brow and replied,
"You guys didn't tell me that the gun was loaded with blanks, I had the beat him to death with the chair".
** Ever heard one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep."
"Uh, yeah...hello.. this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
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