Xmas Jokes

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Yo Mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Xmas. Yo Mama's so ugly, the government moved Xmas to her birthday. Yo mama so ugly for Xmas she trick or treats on the phone! Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Xmas. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? - A cereal killer! Why did the vampire subscribe to Vogue? - He heard it had great circulation!! The top 15 complaints of the modern day vampire :- 15) Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14) Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13) Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12) Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11) Thanks to all those Marilyn Manson fans, we just aren't taken seriously any more. 10) After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin. 9) After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira. 8) No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around. 7) With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits. 6) No warm blood for miles around DC. 5) Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots. 4) Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards 3) Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies." 2) Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey. And the number 1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires: 1) No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body. What's a cold, evil candle called? - The wicked wick of the north.! Why wasn't the vampire working? - He was on his coffin break.! What's a ghoul's favorite breakfast cereal? - Rice Creepies.! What's a vampire's favorite feast? - Fangsgiving Day dinner.! What do little trees say on Xmas? - Twig or treat.! What do goblins mail home while on vacation? - Ghostcards.! Why did the vampire need mouthwash? - She had bat breath.! What's fast food to a vampire? - A guy with really high blood pressure! Why don't vamps like Red Cross? - They can't stand the competition! ** There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my God!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy! From sugar x (*_*)

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