General Jokes

** How Cold is it? An Annotated Thermometer: 50 - Miami residents turn on the heat 40 - College students still wear shorts Californians shiver uncontrollably Wisconsinites go swimming 35 - Italian cars don't start 32 - Water freezes 30 - You can see your breath You plan your vacation to Australia Wisconsinites put on T-shirts Politicians begin to worry about the homeless 25 - Boston water freezes Californians weep pitiably Wisconsinites eat ice cream Canadians go swimming Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you 20 - You can hear your breath Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 - You plan a vacation in Mexico Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 - Too cold to snow You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 - You plan your vacation in Houston 0 - American cars don't start Alaskans put on T-shirts Too cold to skate -5 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Wisconsinites' stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist -10 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you Politicians actually do something about the homeless Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof -15 - Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going Only ice chunks hit the bottom of the outhouse -20 - You plan a two week hot bath The Mighty Monongahela freezes Japanese cars don't start -25 - Californians disappear Wisconsinites button top button Canadians put on sweaters Your car helps you plan your trip South -30 - Congressional hot air freezes -50 - Hell freezes over Polar bears move south -65 - All major universities are still open and requiring students to attend class! ** Actual extract from film magazine: Movie: "The Wizard of Oz": Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. From Rick Polito - read more of his daily column at http://seattlep-i.nwsource.com/tv/ ** Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ** A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye." ** A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners. So, the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear: "Take off my dress...." "Now, take off my bra." "Next, remove my shoes and socks." She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted: "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"

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