General Jokes

** A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer. The frog says, "Hi, what's your name?" The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?" The frog says, "yeah, I'd like to borrow some money." The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?" The frog says, "Kermit Jagger." The loan officer says "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?" The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad." The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummmm... do you have any collateral?" The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?" The loan officer says, "Hmmmm... I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager." The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me." The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not even sure what it is." The manager says, "It's a nick-nack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.!!! ** A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The man replied, " I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..." ** A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" ** Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?" ** These are the *actual* answers given on the English gameshow "Family Fortunes":- Name something a blind person might use - A sword Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar Name a famous brother and sister - Bonnie & Clyde Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse Name something that floats in the bath - Water Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair Name something Red - My cardigan Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers Name a famous royal - Mail Name a number you have to memorize - 7 Name something you do before going to bed - Sleep Name something you put on walls - Roofs Name something in the garden that's green - Shed Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings Name something you might be allergic to - Skiing Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters Name something a cat does - Goes to the toilet Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog Name something associated with the police - Pigs Name a sign of the zodiac - April Name something slippery - A conman Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato Name a jacket potato topping - Jam Name a famous Scotsman - Jock Name something with a hole in it - Window Name a non-living object with legs - Plant Name a domestic animal - Leopard Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee Name a way of cooking fish - Cod Name something you open other than a door - Your bowels

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