Bloke in a Bar Jokes

* A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy." Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?" The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?" The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor an asshole!" * A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and urinates in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey just urinated in my beer?" The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it." * This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk." - from D. Clayton * A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in one. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad musta happened". "I came home early today," answered the guy, "went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The guy gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her we're through. Pack your bag's and get out, I told her !" "What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG" - from A.Hoyle 5th Sept ** A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch"? "A seagull crapped in my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well,", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook." (N.B. A45 and M6 are major roads in Britain) ** A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and says, "Oi. barman, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm hard. I come from the A45 and lorries and cars drive over me all day but I don't give a damn"! Trembling, the barman pours him a pint and gives it to him. Ten minutes later another piece of black tarmac walks in and shouts, "You, bartender, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm as hard as rock. I come off the M6 and have thousands of cars, trailers, juggernauts and caravans riding over me all day, but I couldn't give a damn cos I'm so tough. The barman nervously pours him a pint. Ten minutes later a piece of red tarmac walks in, sits at the bar and orders an orange juice. The two black pieces of tarmac get up and looking mighty frightened run into the toilet. The barman follows them in and says, "What's going on, I thought you two was hard, why are you afraid of that little piece of red tarmac in there". One of the pieces of black tarmac replies timidly, "Are you kidding, he's a Cyclepath". ** There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave the cab, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

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