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** Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young zoo keeper asked the Head
keeper what he should do for his first task. "Go and clean out the aquarium"
he was told.
Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were
dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do. "Throw
them to the lions" said the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything". So
the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and
threw them into the lion's cage.
That done, he returned and asked what he should do now.
He was instructed to
go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was
shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for
instructions. "Dont worry" said the head keeper, "just throw them to the
lions, the lions will eat anything". So the young man returns to the ape
house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage.
Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the
insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that
all the bees have died.
"I know what to do", he thinks to himself "I'll throw
them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything", whereupon he brushes
them all up and throws them into the lion cage.
The next day, the zoo obtains a new lioness. The lioness is walking around
the new cage for the first time, and starts asking the other lions what things
are like here. "Hows the accommodation?", she asks. "Fine" comes the reply
from one lion. "And whats the food like?" she asks.
"Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".
** A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this
the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the
driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them
but, I haven't a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station.
The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them
to the beach."
** One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbors' daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes".
Within the hour the neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"
** An out-of towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. He got out and worriedly looked up and down the road. After a while, a farmer came to help with his big strong horse named "Buddy" and offered to help get the car out of the ditch.
The farmer hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing.
Finally the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Lenny, pull!"
And then the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer explained, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
** In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died.
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.
The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"
The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind.
So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.
"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"
** Why do ducks have flat feet? - To stamp out forrest fires
Why do Elephants have flat feet? - To stamp out burning ducks
** Why do elephants paint their feet yellow? - To hide upside down in bowls of custard
Never seen an elephant upside down in your custard?? - Then it must work
How do you get elephants to go into a mini? - Tell them there's custard in there
How do you know that an elephant has been in your fridge? - Yellow footprints in the egg tray
How do you know that elephant has been to your house? - There's a mini parked outside!
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