• 15) Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
• 14) Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
• 13) Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
• 12) Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
• 11) Thanks to all those Marilyn Manson fans, we just aren't taken seriously any more.
• 10) After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
• 9) After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
• 8) No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
• 7) With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
• 6) No warm blood for miles around DC.
• 5) Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
• 4) Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards
• 3) Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
• 2) Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

And the number 1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires:

• 1) No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.