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| Welcome to the world-renowned JOKE EMAIL! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Wednesday 8th January, 2003100,000 subscribers FREE Debt Reduction from a NON-PROFIT you can trust! There are NO phone calls, NO appointments, and NO FEES! 100% Online Debt Relief from the privacy of your home. CLICK HERE to apply! http://mocda.com/1/c/58526/82399/234101/234101 AOL users click here ___________________________________________________________ Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. You are receiving Joke Email because you subscribed at the JokeEmail.com site. + The Starter ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Class, take your seats and settle into today's topic: the Year 2003 Preview. Omitted from this article of Orwellian proportions (well, relative to most other Starter columns) are most world events, basically because I don't wanna get bogged down in all that s**t. So, here I present my preview of the upcoming year.. 2003 Film of the Year award: Hardly renowed among my peers for being the most dilligent cinema-goer, my award will probably be treated with contempt and accusations of bias. Possibly, it would have been wise to try to wangle a sneak preview of any film I discuss, but the likelyhood of MGM, Warner, et al, giving a private screening to this jokemeister is somewhat on the outer reaches of probability. Instead, I'll just run with the crowd and cut the field to three (basically, the only films previewed in last Sunday's paper) those being: * Gangs of New York * Catch Me If You Can * Lord of the Rings 3. Immediately obvious to any fan of LOTR is that a) I don't know the name of the final film of the trilogy; b) I haven't seen the first two; and c) I have a life. Short of not qualifying me for the local LOTR fanclub (my enormous disappointment cannot be hidden..), it also means I can't really pass judgement on LOTR 3, except saying it probably has the same actors as the first two films, a few wizards, a few trolls, and maybe a few Rings? Who knows? Bottom line: It's probably just more of the same, so it ain't gonna be my film of the year (besides, it's not released for about 11 months) Gangs of New York, on the other hand, is apparently a terrible film - well, so says the Sunday Times - and that's good enough for me. Factor in the leading lady is in a severe "Kurt Warner"-esque career decline (Oh, Cameron... where did it all go so wrong...) and that printed on all posters for the release, she seems to have changed her name to Daniel Day Lewis, and you have a film that would never waste several hours of my precious life. So, by default, Catch Me If You Can wins hands down. This is actually a picture I might venture out to see. True, we all wish Leo DeCaprio HAD actually drowned in Titanic - sadly the bast*rd was just acting - but he's still not a bad lad, and with Tom Hanks providing Lennox Lewis-type support to the cast.. this film is a 'can't miss' prospect. Every guy on the planet wanted to be getting laid, earning big, and living the high life when they were 16, heck we still do. So, rather than ditching the 9-5, taking up a life of crime, and sleeping with horny airstewardesses, many of us will be content to watch Leo live the life we all aspire to. The remarkable thing is that Leo actually got PAID to take this part (which, is a true story by the way) - heck, I've have done it for a couple of bucks, a pack of chips, and a few pages of Leo's Little Black Book. You hear that Spielberg, Zemeckis, Lucas??? I'll work for free... "I can't believe that Series hasn't been shown in the UK yet" TV Award: An easy winner in the shape of ER, which returns to British screens tomorrow. You probably already know how the gang escape from the deadly "Smallpox" virus which has enveloped County General. Suffice to say, I think it's safe to assume the virus wasn't Smallpox - couldn't see Romano and Corday carrying the entire ER storyline for a full series, no matter how much I like his quips and her *ahem* assets (Rent 'Moll Flanders' from Blockbuster to see how Corday earnt her keep before she scored the ER gig). Still, this situation simply isn't acceptable - I'm asking... nay demanding.. that a US TV network buy out one of our failing broadcasters and start pumping out ER, Sopranos, and Seinfeld reruns. Survivor VS Pop Idol TV plan for 2003: Owing to the success of Survivor in late 2001, and the up 'n' coming challenger Pop Idol in late 2002, it seems like 2003 is going be too big for the both of them. Thus the only option is a combine the two into one SUPERshow. However, due to the inordinate number of potential contestants for this new show, there needs to be a way to cut the wheat from the chaff. Because - the way I see it - the Pop Idol contestants don't pay any kind of price for their shot at fame. This results in a plethora of talentless eccentrics murdering R Kelly's 'I Believe I can Fly' in various accents and keys, before being shown the door. Most don't care, they've had their 15 seconds of fame, so they can crawl back to the gutter, but the rest of us have to endure this endless "Talent Search" for weeks and weeks until we are presented with our "Pop Idol". Fairplay to them.. kudos.. they've hit the bigtime. Enjoy the five album deal, the $1 million contract, and the one or two number 1's you'll score before being shunted back to obscurity. But let's at least make the masses give something up for their shot at stardom, just to reduce the numbers at the very least. And here's the plan: Survivor Vs Pop Idol 2003 Edition: "Premiering tonight on CBS, a synergy of your two favorite audience participation shows from the past two years, Survivor and Pop Idol. This time.. the rules have changed. Every potential contestant will face the ultimate challenge - get to the next phase of the show, or enter a real-life Survivor situation. And this won't be a relaxing break in the Aussie outback, or splashing in the Carribean surf, oh no.. this time around the survivors really will have to survive... This week, our eager contestants better make a good impression with the judges, or else they'll face the ultimate survival experience - spending a week dressed as sailor inside one of America's most notorious maximum security jails. Enjoy taking a shower with "the guys", before settling in with your new cellmate Ja "Adebisi" Hernadez." I'm telling you, this stunt would work - can you imagine the number of talentless fools we'd rid the outside world of? Unexplained mystery of the coming year: I have owned Grand Theft Auto: Vice City for over two weeks and have only completed 8 PERCENT of the game. And no, it's not because I'm cover-your-eyes bad at video games, I just haven't played the game too much, and when I do I kinda enjoy just gunning down pedestrians and stealing their cars. Maybe I should just move to LA? More preview on Friday, when I'll sum up the prospects for music, money, and sports in 2003. Tom Evans Editor - Joke Email webmaster@jokeemail.com + Overwhelmed by debt? - Get FREE online debt relief through Amerix. Lower your monthly payment up to 57%. Get out of debt faster. Eliminate late fees and stop collection calls. Not a loan. http://mocda.com/1/c/58526/68951/234101/234101 AOL users click here + TOTALLY new FunPages... ADULT: Arggh!! So PAINFUL!! (you guys can relate) http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/painful.htm AOL + Animal Joke A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket that I got for Christmas. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.' + FreeColorPrinters from Xerox - $4,500 VALUE Apply today for a FREE Xerox Phaser networked color printer. Now qualified small businesses, non-profits, schools and other organizations can get a free color printer direct from Xerox. It's risk-free -- learn more and apply now at http://mocda.com/1/c/58526/86889/234101/234101 AOL users click here + Dirty Joke What would you do if you had a condom with a hole in it in one pocket, and a rattle snake in the other pocket? I don't know either, but I do know that I wouldn't screw with either one of them For more jokes, stroll on over to: http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm + Contact Information ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ U wanna leave?Click the link at the end of this email Advertising info:http://www.jokeemail.com/advertinfo.htm Everything else:http://www.jokeemail.com/contactus.htm ___________________________________________________________ This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
