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| Welcome to JokeEmail.com's Joke Email ! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Monday 14th January, 2002113,000 subscribers WIN a MP3 Player! Just your email address required! http://www.jokeemail.com/free/win_mp3.htm AOL Link ___________________________________________________________ Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. You are receiving Joke Email because you subscribed either at the JokeEmail.com site, or through a SuperTAF Tell a Friend form. If you have subscribed in error, unsubscribe instructions are located the end of this Ezine. + The Starter ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Hey, First off, apologies for no issue Friday. See, I finished my essays at 4.30am, went to bed, got up late and only just handed them in on time. After that battle, a few of us decided we needed a drink so I went down the pub, and well... the rest is history. Pretty apt story when you consider what little Prince Harry has been up to recently. I mean royalty? -- Smoking weed and drinking excessively? What a legend! I tell you, this kid has the right stuff to keep us amused for a good while, I'm never gonna run out of material! Seriously though, there's a lot of these rich kids out of control - Tony Blair's eldest, Euan; Pres Bush's twins, and of course Harry has now joined this "elite" bunch. There's just too many of them, so after some committed thought on the subject, I think I have a solution.... introducing... "Brewery Survivor!" a totally new show, unique to Fox television! "4 kids, out of control, locked in a brewery. Only one will survive. Will it be one of the outrageous Bush twins? Brutal underage drinkers, masters of disguise, and ID card fraudsters - ignore them at your peril! Or maybe small Euan Blair will be triumphant? The Legend of Leicester Square, London, got some bad press after collapsing whilst drinking last year, but has he improved his technique? Does he have what it takes to stumble away with the prize? And our final combatant... and most high profile - Prince Harry! Underworld rumors suggest this kid is the favorite after numerous after-hours drinking sessions at his local bar. Can he walk the walk, and defeat the pretenders to his crown?" So, we'd lock them in a brewery and the last one standing would win. And I'm not talking about getting a little pissed, I'm talking *seriously* pissed, "Nurse, get the charcoal ready to pump his stomach" pissed. (NB. Before I get the "why are you condoning excessive drinking, it costs the taxpayer millions each year for drink-related injuries etc etc...", I don't condone it, but I'm trying to make a little humor here so bear with me..) The winner would win an amnesty from the press so they could do what they wanted, whilst the others would have to seek rehab, and frequently appear on Montel and Oprah, educating kids to the ills of drinking. I'd PAY to see this survivor series - okay, so it wouldn't last more than a day or two, but it would make for some great viewing... 2 girls, 2 guys, loads of booze... the possiblities are endless. And after one successful series, Fox would come knocking on my door again and I'd suggest my next Survivor project... "Columbian coca field Survivor". "How long can Matt Perry, the geezer out of BackStreet, Darryl Strawberry, and Robert Downey Jr survive in the Columbian drug fields? High on coke, and hunted by the cartels, FARC, and the FDA, what chance do you give them making it back to the States alive? Find out Saturday night in "Columbian coca field Survivor", premiering on Fox." => New fun pages... => are right below... Have a good one... Tom Evans Editor - Joke Email webmaster@jokeemail.com + TOTALLY new FunPages... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ADULT: Everyone needs someone to love http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/someonetolove.htm AOL CLEAN: I Said "SIT"! http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/sit.htm AOL + College Joke ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Pretty damn apt for me, after writing my crap essays late Thursday night... ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED , , , , , The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper. "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference. "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless. "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published. "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense. "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph. "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once. "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice. "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice. "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think. "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too. "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ... Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it. "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A really wild guess. "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass. "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it....and I never will. "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either. "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee. "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I am pleased to feed you bullshit. + Site of the Day! Win a MP3 Player! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ http://www.jokeemail.com/free/win_mp3.htm AOL Link + Stupid People Joke. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Dunno if this is legit or not, but still a pretty good example of why stupid people shouldn't be allowed a) pets, or b) automobiles This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan: A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice, unload the guns, decoys, dog, etc. and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks and something for their decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on by all the shouting & waving, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 birdshot, great for ducks, but hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find the nearest cover, which happens to be under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make all of those $560 a month payments! And you thought you had bad days. -from Mike Hart For more jokes, click here http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm + Contact Information ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ To unsubscribe:leave-jokeemail@relay.netatlantic.com Advertising inquiries:advertinfo@jokeemail.com Joke submissions:jokes@jokeemail.com Everything else:webmaster@jokeemail.com ___________________________________________________________ ==================================================== This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
