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| Welcome to JokeEmail.com's Joke Email ! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Monday 7th January, 2002113,000 subscribers FREE Tax Software! TaxACT is your ultimate tax solution! Download TaxACT and prepare your 2001 tax return for free. TaxACT is updated to handle the new tax law changes to get you the refund you are entitled. No rebates or coupons required! http://www.jokeemail.com/free/tax.htm Free Tax Software ___________________________________________________________ Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. You are receiving Joke Email because you subscribed either at the JokeEmail.com site, or through a SuperTAF Tell a Friend form. If you have subscribed in error, unsubscribe instructions are located the end of this Ezine. + The Starter ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Hey, Phew.. back to the start of the week. Man, I hate Mondays. No worries though, because I'm sure the funny pictures in this week's issue will put a smile on your face. When I was sent them by a subscriber, I laughed out loud at the Prison one... pure hilarity! Site news. The site is back up (at last) and it should stay that way now. Only problem I still have is the @jokeemail.com accounts. These still aren't working, and this is a real headache. Not only are there 3500 email users who can't access email, I'm not receiving any email to webmaster@jokeemail.com. If you have to get in touch with me, please use jokeemail@email.com for the time being. I'm finally back at Uni for my last 'proper' term - 12 weeks of pure hard work lie ahead (for people who want good degrees... so probably not me then..) Actually, I'm getting serious about my work (!) - I've even left my sidekick, my friend, my confidant, at home. Yes, the TV has not made the journey back to Uni with me, it's sitting at home unused, unwanted... Damn I miss it ;-) => New fun pages... => are right below... Have a good one... Tom Evans Editor - Joke Email webmaster@jokeemail.com + TOTALLY new FunPages... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ADULT: You need to keep brushing your teeth.. http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/keepbrushing.htm AOL CLEAN: Could you adapt to prison life? http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/prisonlife.htm AOL + Cookery Joke ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR FOOD IS SPOILED Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator -- you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to yourself, "Can I eat this or will it kill me?" Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss out. THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. (This is the only way you can tell if it is spoiled) FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. (Though it is usually still ok to eat if you got a headache) LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't think you needed guidance with this one) CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. POTATOES If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it. EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this. + FREE Tax Software! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ http://www.jokeemail.com/free/tax.htm Free Tax Software + General Joke ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a sexy female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the sultry voice. The man did this, the panel closed, several minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?" -from Rubin For more jokes, click here http://www.jokeemail.com/random.htm + Contact Information ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ To unsubscribe:leave-jokeemail@relay.netatlantic.com Advertising inquiries:advertinfo@jokeemail.com Joke submissions:jokes@jokeemail.com Everything else:webmaster@jokeemail.com ___________________________________________________________ ==================================================== This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
