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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More Jokes: http://www.jokes-central.com/jokes.html More Games: http://www.jokes-central.com/games.html Funny Videos: http://www.jokes-central.com/vid.html Funny Stories: http://www.jokes-central.com/st.html Horoscopes: http://www.jokes-central.com/horos.html ---More Of Everything: http://www.jokes-central.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 15, No. 06 June 4th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 50,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + Topical Jokes + Card Jokes + Career Jokes + Lawyer Jokes + Dot Com Jokes + Marriage Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hey Folks! The work pile is getting smaller and smaller, and I'll be done by next Tuesday! Then the partying really begins.... One other note this week - we have reached our 50,000th subscriber! Thanks to all of you who continue to support Joke Email, and let's hope it's not too long until the next big milestone - 100,000! Till then.. Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.jokeemail.com ===== Want to win Free Cash every day? Try the newest Freebie site on the Internet today, FreebieClub.com. Of course it's loaded with free loot: great vacations, magazines and samples galore! Check it out and pass it on-it's worth it! The more people you tell, the more chances YOU get for cash. http://www.freebieclub.com/FC_MyFreebies.asp?redir=quick&a=68418 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Bill Clinton's Valentines... http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050523 ===== +=- Topical Jokes: Bush Energy Plan ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Everyone is complaining because Pres. Bush's energy plan doesn't include enough conservation, but they're overlooking a small detail. Embedded deep in the proposal is a clause that would authorize the Law Enforcement Assistance Administration to give one-time grants to states that upgrade to Energy Star electric chairs. +=- Card Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Some Cards You Will Never See in Hallmark: "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the **** was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in hell till I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!" "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike! "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise." "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?" "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep." "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Kentucky) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gasoline use is up -Vacation season is almost here -Lines will be longer at the pump -Try AHA risk free and get... $50 Of FREE GAS! During this limited time Internet promotion the American Homeowners Association is giving $50 in FREE Gasoline to each household that tries AHA RISK FREE FOR THE NEXT 30 DAYS. ($1.00 postage and handling required at the time of trial registration) Click Here: http://www.onresponse.com/onR_Ads.asp?a=68418&d=2630 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Three nurses died and went to Heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questioned them. "What did you used to do back on Earth?" he asked the first nurse. "Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?" She told him, "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children." "Very noble. You may enter." And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse. "I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God's love." The second nurse replied. "Excellent!" said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse. She hesitated, then explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO." St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, then told her, "Well, you can enter, too." "Wow!" the nurse exclaimed in relief. "I almost thought you weren't going to let me in." "Oh, you can certainly come in," St. Peter told her, "but you can only stay for three days." +=- Lawyer Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" The bloke behind tells him, "Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art." "Are you crazy?" says the bloke in front, "I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FUNNY PICTURES! A Redneck Wedding… http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050636 Bill Gates Adopted This Kid! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050724 Are you this lonely? http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050725 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Dot Com Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** These emails really sum up the problems in the Dot Com sector at the moment.... >From: Bill Spilingup, Corporate Relations, Lucent Technologies >To: Nortel (NYSE: NT - news); Alcatel >Cc: AT&T (NYSE: T - news) Dear Sirs, You'll remember us from the former competition we used to offer you in the networking market. Said competition having disappeared because of changing marketplace realities, we were wondering if any of you might be interesting in creating a synergistic partnership of equals based on an integrated solutions platform of services.... Aw, heck, let's cut to the chase. It's not looking good over here. Does anyone want to buy us? AT&T, we know about the spin-off and all, but there's still time to reconsider at substantially the same price. Please reply with serious offers -- not to say that they have to exceed our share price, but you have to mean it. Thank you, Bill Spilingup Corporate Relations ------------------------------------ >From: Pepe Le Chance, Corporate Liaison, Alcatel >To: Bill Spilingup Cher Colleague, It is with the interest that I read your email. While we are having the difficulties also, we have not -- how do you Americans say? -- screwed up as badly as have you. The ease with which you have parleyed a $230 billion company into a $28 billion farce is formidable. On the other hand, we've taken Alcatel from a bloated behemoth involved in a ludicrously wide range of industries to a focused, disciplined company whose shares have risen 80% since January 1, 1999. Our CEO is très fond of fixing broken companies. Donc, we are able at this time to make an offer for your company, under the right conditions. The main one, naturellement, is that we not pay any more for Lucent than any but the very oldest shareholders paid. Actuelly, we find the current share price to be like mousse chocolat at an imitation French restaurant -- too rich for the discerning palate. We would propose a price slightly lower, in the region of $7 per share, and complete abolition of your management and board. Respondez, s'il vous plait, at your earliest convenience. Vôtre, Pepe ------------------------------------ >From: Bill >To: Pepe Dear Pepe, Thank you, thank you, thank you for your warm, encouraging letter. We at Lucent would love the opportunity to work with your fine organization. First, we think that the potential business synergies are substantial. Second, we relish the thought of engaging in negotiations while dining on frogs' legs and brioche. Our CEO is a Francophile from way back. The price you quote is perfectly acceptable to the board. We've repriced all our options below the stated level, so there's no problem there. As to the other so-called "shareholders" of the company, well, most of them are old grannies, who got the stock as a spin-off from AT&T. They've never had a clue. With regard to the board and management, however, we had a different proposal in mind. Like in any separation, as I'm sure you in France agree, it's important that all parties be able to maintain the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed. In that spirit, we expect all members of our board be transferred to Alcatel's board. You'll be happy to know that we've already chosen a beautiful chalet in the French Alps, where the board can meet during ski season. In the spirit of égalité, we'll leave the summer retreat to your discretion. Also, Lucent's upper management will need accommodation in the joint business. We feel that we've earned top positions at Alcatel, considering the outstanding work we've done creating value for Lucent's insiders. In addition, since we're American and you're French, and therefore nobody likes you, we will add much needed credibility to your company. I look forward to receiving a detailed executive compensation package. So that you might not object to our requests for managerial and board compensation, we'll reduce the share price of the transaction to $6.90. On this point, as you see, we are perfectly open to negotiation. Paris in the springtime, here we come! Bill ------------------------------------ >From: Pepe >To: Bill Monsieur, We find your counter-offer of $6.90 most pleasing. With regards to your management team, however, we think that you have misunderstood our intentions. We feel, as does any objective observer of the situation, that your current management and board are the ones responsible for the debacle at Lucent. You managed to lose $3.7 billion in the first quarter of this calendar year. We, on the other hand, made 210 million Euros in genuine profit. You are infamous for handing out loans like a drunken sailor to any cheap little telco that comes begging. To let you retain positions of influence at Alcatel would be as foolish as allowing a megalomaniac to rise to power in the wake of a revolution. We will not make that mistake a second time. You are in huge trouble, mon ami. I do not think even you have confidence that you can work it out. You could take our proposal for the sake of your shareholders, or you could selfishly sink this deal over concerns about your own jobs. The choice is yours. Bon Chance, Pepe ------------------------------------ >From: Bill >To: Pepe It's true that our market cap has fallen faster than you people surrender to Germany every generation or so, but that doesn't mean you have to get snippy and actually hold us responsible! Let's talk about this reasonably. We could throw a few people overboard, sure, but the real fault for our problems lies with the line workers and other employees, most of which we can lay off! So, help out a brother here. We're willing to split the board half and half, and jettison maybe 10% of our execs. Bill ------------------------------------ >From: Pepe >To: Bill I cannot help you. It seems that you and your shareholders must go down together. Perhaps that is as it should be. P. +=- Sexist Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A small and exceptionally homely man was just about to start putting on his underwear when his daughter opened the door and entered the room. "Mommy!" she cried, pointing to her father's extremely huge penis. "What's that???" "Well, sweetheart," said the woman, "that's your Daddy's secret attraction. If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be here." She sighs. "Come to think of it, neither would I." +=- Tasteless Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** One queer decides to have a tattoo done. On arrival to the tattooist he spots a picture of Evander Holyfield. "Oh he's my favourite darling.... can you do him on the cheek of my arse??" he asked the tattooist. So it was done. On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall this time Mike Tyson. "Oh good lord " the queer bloke blurted out. "I just adore big Mike, can you do him on my other cheek please lovey" So it was done. On returning home his boyfriend says " Well drop your trousers, give us a look." Queer bloke 1 dropped his pants to reveal his arse. To which the boyfriend returned in fright, "I think our relationship is over, because I sure as Hell ain't getting in the ring with those two" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT CARTOONS OF THE WEEK. -- these are TOP! Need Bush! http://ugrin.com/?118-169 Magazine for Ex Presidents... http://ugrin.com/?118-189 Your a Dead Man!http://uGRIN.com/?118-304 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
