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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Attention, internet users: the Funny Looking Net People Gallery is now accepting visitors to its collection of strange and scary pictures of people online. It's amazing! Bewildering! Gross! And it's free! Visit today: http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 15, No. 05 May 28th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 44,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + General Jokes + Card Jokes + Animal Jokes + Foreign Jokes + Career Jokes + Dirty Little Johnny Jokes + Dirty Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hey Folks! The work pile is getting smaller and smaller, and I'll be done by next week! Then I can get around to writing proper Starter's... Till then.. Keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.jokeemail.com ===== .... Find a Partner WHILE YOU SLEEP..... AT Love Personals, you place a FREE ad, and get replies while you sleep! - PLACE a FREE ad - See who responds.... - Browse the ads and photos - who do you like? Just TRY it today and you never know what might happen! Click Here: http://www.1andonly.com/?je ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! Would you Die for Me? http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050809 ===== +=- General Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride. He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?" The reply is, "l got this in the war." Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times. So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?" Again the answer is, "l got this in the war." Fred moves. The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war." His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. l can't get it off of my hand." +=- Card Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ What Hallmark Doesn't Print: 1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay. 2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry! 3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. 6. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don't fret about it, she moved in with me. 7. You totaled your car and can't remember why. Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ATTENTION! YOU CAN GET EVEN MORE FREE JOKES IN YOUR EMAIL! These jokes are HILARIOUS and will have you laughing for HOURS! Oh yah...The jokes are FREE and delivered to YOU in your EMAIL! To get these FREE JOKES, sign up! http://www.HighSchoolHumor.com/n You can also get FUNNY PICTURES at: http://www.HighSchoolHumor.com AOL Users Click Here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) +=- Animal Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her husband awake at night. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. Of course the woman is very sceptical in believing this and goes home. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally getting very frustrated, she goes to closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night her husband returns from being out with his friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly. The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but where ever you and I where, we got first and second place." +=- Foreign Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .... Find a Partner WHILE YOU SLEEP..... AT Love Personals, you place a FREE ad, and get replies while you sleep! - PLACE a FREE ad - See who responds.... - Browse the ads and photos - who do you like? Just TRY it today and you never know what might happen! Click Here: http://www.1andonly.com/?je ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Career Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, " I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. Hope you enjoyed this. I just thought... well, never mind. +=- Dirty Little Johnny Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Little Johnny was sitting on the front porch steps. While his mother was in the kitchen, she was watching little Johnny. He had a bag of M&Ms in his and a cat right beside him. Little Johnny would eat an M&M, Bite the cat and move down a step. His mother looked at little Johnny and thought she needed to go see what he is doing. When she walks outside he does it again. Eats an M&M, bites the cat and moves down a step. His momma says,"Little Johnny what the hell are you doing!" Johnny says,"I'm practising truck driver." "Truck Driver?" asks his mom. "Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving' on." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FUNNY PICTURES! Don't Roll your Eyes at Me! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050812 Warning: Do Not Enter...unless... http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050813 We Apologize! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050814 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid. "Are you all right?" he asks. "You're just a blur," she says, "So my sight is clearly affected." Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?" he asks her. "Oh shit!" she replies, "I must be paralysed from the waist down as well." +=- Tasteless Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd. "We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "No body has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of £100 for anybody who can. "I can do that," Ed said confidently. "You can't," said Ted. "Bloody well can," said Ed. "You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that bugger," said Ted. "Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd. He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?" Ted asked. "Remember three months ago," Ed said. "When my wife had whooping cough...?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT CARTOONS OF THE WEEK. -- these are TOP! Now I know why my stocking was empty! http://ugrin.com/?118-105 The ULTIMATE sandcastle! http://ugrin.com/?118-106 Something to make your eyes wide!http://ugrin.com/?118-107 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
