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| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joke Email Sponsored By : ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ATTENTION! YOU CAN GET EVEN MORE FREE JOKES IN YOUR EMAIL! These jokes are HILARIOUS and will have you laughing for HOURS! Oh yah...The jokes are FREE and delivered to YOU in your EMAIL! To get these FREE JOKES, sign up! http://www.HighSchoolHumor.com/n You can also get FUNNY PICTURES at: http://www.HighSchoolHumor.com AOL Users Click Here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) ==================================== ### ~~~~ JOKE EMAIL ~~~~~~~ ### ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Keeping you amused every Monday morning!! ==================================== Vol. 15, No. 03 My 14th, 2001 ==================================== By Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.JokeEmail.com ==================================== ISSN number - ISSN 1471-020X ==================================== Subscribers: Over 43,000!!! For details for all Joke Email advertising, email: advertinfo@jokeemail.com =========================================================== This Joke Email is distributed by subscription only. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can find instructions at the end of this Ezine. Forward Joke Email onto your friends - make everyone start their week amusingly!!! ============ CONTENTS ============ + The Starter + Phone Jokes + Windows Jokes + Scottish Jokes + Animal Jokes + Bad Jokes + Marriage Jokes + Dirty Jokes + Viagra Jokes + Tasteless Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ +=- The STARTER: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Hey Folks! Still got loads of work to do, so this is a slightly shorter issue than usual. Hope you still like them though, there are some really good ones! As always - keep laughing ;-) Tom Evans Editor, Joke Email http://www.jokeemail.com ===== FREEBIES! DirectCoupons(tm) Weekly Have all the best coupons and freebies emailed to you weekly. We search them out, so you don't have to! Signup for FREE: http://www.directleads.com/ad.html?o=388&a=CD5481 ===== For more free stuff by email. Check out http://www.Free-Info.com ===== Click the link below for TODAY'S DAILY HUMOR LINK! What an Egg-Head! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050810 ===== +=- Phone Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I live by myself and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?" "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded. "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00." Silence on the other end... a confused silence. "Is this Steve?" My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?" "Well...he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice. I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00." A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!" "The girl he went out with." "I know that! I mean...who is she?" "I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?" "Yes...please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home." She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?" She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't. "Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry...it was an honest mistake." "Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home." I smiled and said, "Okay, I will...but Becky isn't going to like this..." *Click* +=- Windows Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** After first seeing Microsoft's slogan for its upcoming Windows XP operating system, "it just works", I couldn't help wondering: what were the slogans for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they became obvious. Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh? Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn't it? Windows 286: Yeah, we're still kidding. Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years. Windows 3.0: It's finally worth buying! Windows 3.1: It's finally worth using! Windows 95: Going boldly where the Mac has been for years. Windows 98: More usable! Less stable! Windows 98SE: More stable! Less usable! Windows ME: Less usable AND less stable! NT 1.0: Give me more hardware! NOW!!! NT 2.0: Dammit, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!! NT 3.0: Which part of "more hardware" do you not understand? NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I'd work. Honest. NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the speed. Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest! Windows XP: It just works. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Attention, internet users: the Funny Looking Net People Gallery is now accepting visitors to its collection of strange and scary pictures of people online. It's amazing! Bewildering! Gross! And it's free! Visit today: http://funnylooking.monsterserve.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1ev2) +=- Scottish Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** The following exercise appeared on the Scottish Bar Exam a few years back. You would probably not find this in North America :-> SECTION A - SCOTS CRIMINAL LAW Angus drops into the "Govan Arms", a trendy wine bar in Glasgow, with three of his friends. The bar's speciality is an "El Dorado cocktail", a lethal combination of fortified wine and vodka. Bruce, who has never before been in a pub and is a strict teetotaller, is told by Angus that the concoction is alcohol-free; Bruce agrees to try one. Calumn, who is perfectly aware that the brew is potent, also accepts Angus's offer of a drink. Angus and Donald beforehand have agreed to liven things up by "spiking" the drinks of the other two. Angus asks the barman to add three more double vodkas to each one pint glass of the cocktail, and then himself throws in a couple of LSD tablets. Angus and Donald stick to Coca Cola. The order is repeated, and again, Angus adds vodka and LSD. Both Bruce and Calumn feel "high". In the toilet, Bruce is accosted by Edgar who places his hand on Bruce's thigh, and says "what about it?". Incensed, Bruce lashes out. Edgar hits his head on the stone floor, and is killed instantly. Donald, meanwhile, has gone into the back room with the landlord's daughter, a pretty young thing who claims to be 18 (but is indeed only 14), and who explains her school uniform as an indication merely that she is a slow learner. The two are engaged in sexual intercourse when the barman, Fred, enters. Calumn steps in to defend Donald. He challenges Fred to “step outside” for a man-to-man fight. This "square go" (in local parlance) results in Angus, Bruce and Donald watching and encouraging while Calumn hits Fred repeatedly. Calumn is a sportsman: once Fred is lying on the ground, he walks away. However, the other three then join in by kicking Fred, while Angus produces his handy 6" sheath knife which he sticks in Fred's thigh. Fortunately. Dr. Nesbit is on hand in the pub, sitting in his usual corner surrounded by empty glasses. Dr. Nesbit already has had more than his daily allowance of lager, but nonetheless proceeds to take charge of the situation. His sight is not as good as it once was; his hand shakes; and his memory of medical knowledge is rather rusty. Attempts at stopping the flow of blood are unsuccessful, since force is being applied to the wrong pressure points. After half an hour, Nesbit acknowledges defeat, and calls for an ambulance. Fred dies en route to the hospital. Consider whether any breaches of the criminal law have occurred. (30 marks) !! +=- Animal Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt. "Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand. After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?" The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints come onta my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt." Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves. After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt. Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look." "Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy." Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you *really* ought to see this." "Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?" Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!" Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops. Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God... .... ... ... We're gonna be rich!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Welcome to Uproar. We're your best online source for games, prizes, lotteries, and fun! Be a contestant on our online game shows, which include Family Feud and To Tell The Truth! Stick around to enter our free lottery, eXtremelotto! Best of all, everything is free! http://www.onresponse.com/onR_Ads.asp?a=68418&d=2180 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Bad Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** SILLY COW JOKE Say the word COW before each word. i.e. 1 - Cow Cows 2 - Cow About 3 - Cow Talking 4 - Cow Idiot 5 - Cow This 6 - Cow Got 7 - Cow I 8 - Cow Long 9 - Cow How 10 - Cow Look Now say the word COW After each word i.e. 1 - Cows Cow 2 - About Cow 3 - Talking Cow 4 - Idiot Cow 5 - This Cow 6 - Got Cow 7 - I Cow 8 - Long Cow 9 - How Cow 10 - Look Cow Now say the word COW before AND after each word. i.e. 1 - Cow Cows Cow 2 - Cow About Cow 3 - Cow Talking Cow 4 - Cow Idiot Cow 5 - Cow This Cow 6 - Cow Got Cow 7 - Cow I Cow 8 - Cow Long Cow 9 - Cow How Cow 10 - Cow Look Cow Now Read the middle words upwards from the bottom. +=- Marriage Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FUNNY PICTURES! If I get drunk.... http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050819 Drink One Glass a Day! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050820 How much do you NEED E-MAIL?! http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00050823 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(1) +=- Dirty Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** I'm Not Saying She's Easy, but... => .. she's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham. => .. she's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum. => .. she's done more screwing than Black and Decker. => .. she's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood. => .. she's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini. => .. she's been boarded more times than Amtrak. => .. she's entertained more troops than Bob Hope. => .. she's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare. => .. she's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube. => .. she's spent more time under men than barstools. => .. her body has been declared a national recreation area. => .. her underwear is by Rubbermaid. => .. her pantyhose has a pet door. => .. she's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge. => .. she's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima. +=- Viagra Jokes: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin. Names also considered were: mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin and my personal favorite, mydixadrill. -From Robert +=- Tasteless Jokes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ** Slogans For National Condom Week: 1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker. 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy. 4. When in doubt, shroud your sprout. 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner. 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong. 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it. 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey. 9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize. 10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter. 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick. 12. If you go into heat, package your meat. 13. While you're undressing Venus, dress up that p*nis. 14. Take off her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse. 15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member. 16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker. 17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool. 18. The right selection! Protect your erection! 19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. 20. A crank with armor will never harm her. 21. If you really love her, wear a cover. 22. Don't make a mistake, muzzle your snake. 23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. 24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket. 25. No glove, no love! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT CARTOONS OF THE WEEK. -- these are TOP! VD Remedy http://uGRIN.com/?118-292 Cindy's Secret... http://uGRIN.com/?118-293 I want a Divorce! http://uGRIN.com/?118-295 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(-) This ezine is registered with the British Library as: ISSN 1471-020X © Copyright 1998-2004 Thomas Evans. All Rights Reserved. |
